30 Days to Get Out of Kollel Challenge
Where do you want to be in 30 days? If you do nothing, chances are that you will be in the same place that you are now. Take a 30 day challenge – there is no better time than now. In 30 days from now, bein hazmanim officially starts. The last 30 days of the zman are the perfect time to prepare for your escape from your present status as a “permanent kollel yungerman”.
What is a 30 day challenge? I don’t know where its origins are, but Ed Dale created his business model around it. In 30 days from today, challenge yourself to make just $1 online. Its the process of taking one goal and breaking it down into 30 parts, so that the goal becomes achievable.
If you begin today, you can discover your hidden talents that will enable you to make a living. Start today, make it your business to find out just what is your business. Tell yourself, “I refuse to stay in the never ending trap of kollel. I will discover the opportunities out there for me.”
Start off by heading to a bookstore, preferably a big bookstore like Barnes & Noble. (Make sure its far enough from Lakewood for your comfort 
)
Head to any section that appeals to you (hint: Obviously not the fiction section), and start reading. Budget $100, and spend every dollar of it on books that speak to you. Now head home and start reading. When you come across something useful that you didn’t know, mark it up with a florescent highlighter. At the end of 30 days, you will have defined what it is that you want to do. Probably, you will have more than a clue of how to go about doing it.
Its really not that difficult, so what are you waiting for? If you start now, by the time bein hazmanim comes around it may very well be your very last bein hazmanim.
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Billions of dollars are spent each year on college. Young people and old people, some with jobs and some looking for jobs, all stream towards the doors of these institutions with dreams in their hearts. What does college do for them? Their goal – a certificate stating that they have the precious “degree” – which is their key to a great income.
Higher education is such an ingrained part of our culture that its hard to imagine life without it. But in truth, all the degree represents is one thing – legitimacy. Why should a prospective employer take the rather minimal risk of hiring an inexperienced young adult without knowing if they are any good at the task they are being entrusted. With the degree, there is the sense of legitimacy for the position. After all, if this person wasn’t any good, how do they have their degree?
Ultimately, its not the degree that gets you the good salary, its the legitimacy that comes along with it. So why bother with the college? Get the legitimacy for the position without the tens of thousands of dollars in tuition and hours of studying. Here’s a few college alternatives that can get you a great degree of legitimacy towards your great job:
- Open a service oriented business. If you open a roofing business, people assume you must know how to do roofing – after all, if you didn’t know anything you wouldn’t be in business!
- Apprentice yourself to a professional. There are many service people looking for help. Even if they can’t pay a lot, the training you can get from it is far more valuable than sitting in a classroom while paying for the privilege.
- Make it your next hobby. Instead of going to cooking school, get some hands on practice by cooking for shul functions, school teas, tzedaka organizations, and simchos. If you are any good, you’ll get lots of buzz, which certainly provides great legitimacy.
The last thing a kollel yungerman going to work needs is to have to sit through years of college until they can get a job. If you realize that all it provides is legitimacy, you can greatly shorten the process by reaching for that legitimacy in easier, more productive ways.
When Your Wife Says No
Besides the embarrassment of friends and relatives, many yungerleit looking to leave kollel are held back by opposition from their wife. Most of the time, the wife’s refusal is not motivated by lofty ideals. It is more likely a product of the social pressure that is so much a part of today’s society, similar to the pressure on young frum women to have many babies without pause.
How does one deal with a wife’s reluctance to leave kollel?
First of all, you need to convince yourself that it really is time for you to get out of kollel. This is generally when you feel overwhelming financial stress, lack of fulfillment, no progress in learning, feeling old, and a variety of other signs that it really is time to go. Once you are firmly convinced of this yourself, it will be much easier to convince her.
Now comes the fun part. Communication. Women love to talk about their issues – it helps them feel better just by talking about it. They will appreciate it so much that you are both taking time and including them in this major decision of your life. Even if there is disagreement, the fact that you discuss it with each other will bring you closer to each other. That way you will be able to understand each other better during the process.
Ultimately, a wife needs to be convinced that she must allow her husband to do what brings out the best in him. If he is not feeling good about himself while in kollel that will not be good for the family in the long run. Obviously, everything that we do in life has to be proper, but when there is no right or wrong answer, such as to leave or not to leave, she must allow him to be a success.
Finally, make sure you get guidance from a Rav or a Rebbe. Although you may not actively have a relationship with one, it is critical for the wife to know that her husband got approval for this drastic step he has taken. If there are feelings of guilt now, you can rest assured they will not go away. By getting assurance from a Rav that she has faith in, that will help her accept the fact that where you are heading is not all evil.
Anti Kollel Sentiment on the Rise
You may think that anti kollel sentiment is found primarily in modern orthodox circles, where the boys typically go to college, get a degree, and find a career for themselves. However, you may be surprised to learn that more and more, even mainstream yeshivishe people are expressing negative views about kollel. I was giving someone a ride who told me how they overheard their mother – who has 3 sons-in-law and 1 son in kollel – vehemently arguing against remaining in kollel long term. She was discussing this with her brother, who has 4 children of his own in kollel and has learned many years in kollel himself, and he was even more opposed to it than she was. It seems that many people – even those who would never send their boys to college, and who have married children in kollel, tend to have a negative view on long term kollel.
The obvious reason why these people are against kollel is clearly due to the impossible financial burden that is placed on the parents of the kollel member they are supporting. In order to entice “top guys”, the parents of the girl are forced to pay top dollar in support, which is usually something beyond their means. When 50 and 60 year old couples, who already put in their years of work when they were younger, are forced to work long grueling hours to support their childrens’ “mesirus nefesh”, it is to no surprise that they feel just a little bit resentful.
The situation today is that most of the older generation themselves did not learn in kollel. They don’t necessarily have a true appreciation for kollel, other than they must support their childrens’ learning because:
- That is what my son/daughter wants
- That is the only way she can get a good shidduch
Eventually, these motivations wear thin, other children come of age, the parents grow older, and the natural feelings come to the surface. If you are on the receiving end of support, just know the likely feelings your parents have towards your learning. Realizing this will help keep you in the right perspective as you go about deciding your life plan.
Stuck in Kollel Mediocrity
As a whole, people are obsessed with exceptionalism. Whether its Gadlus BaTorah, or lehavdil, the world’s record holder for high diving, we glorify amazing feats accomplished by really amazing people. There is something captivating when a person, who on the surface appears to be just like you and me, is able to accomplish great feats.
But us regular people find refuge in mediocrity (definition). Its safe to be plain. It doesn’t take much work to be medicore. It doesn’t need any talent. It doesn’t require you to change. It seems so secure to sit and plan the next 5, 10, 15 years of your life imagining that they will be the same way they are now.
Why relegate exceptionalism to others? They were regular people until they decided to do something amazing. They applied themselves without fail to their goal. They applied themselves with diligence, passion, and yes, obsession. They embraced change, and realized full well that they would not be in the same place next week or next year. And one day they found themselves standing at the goal, with a crowd of mediocre admirers lauding their exceptional achievment.
If you feel that by staying in kollel you can do exceptional things, by all means, please stay. The world needs more such people. Finish Shas, tackle Yerushalmi, write a sefer, become a posek. But if all you will be is mediocre, get out while you can. As Seth says so eloquently, mediocrity will not get you anywhere. Find where you can be exceptional, and go there.
Defeating the Defeatist Attitude
This Shabbos we read the story of the spies and how they reported back from their tour of the land how impossible it is to capture Eretz Yisroel from its inhabitants. Of course, they were severly punished for their misdeed, and along with them they brought down the rest of the Jewish nation.
What did they do wrong? After all, they were just reporting back the facts that they saw. Were they supposed to sugar coat the reality?
(See how the Chafetz Chaim at the end of Shmiras Halashon resolves this question. My comments are based off of his words.)
Its very safe and easy to say no. “No, I can’t possibly get that good job. It is beyond my capabilities. Yes, I know so and so was able to get it, but he has the __________(fill in the blank with some excuse).”
If you don’t ever try, you won’t ever stand a chance. Yes, it may seem hard from afar, but only when you have the defeatist attitude to start with. The 10 spies felt hopeless. The 600,000 people that listened to them felt hopeless. Not Kalev, he saw an entirely different picture. “We can conquer them – it is not nearly as difficult as it may seem.” That guy who started his own business and was successful had Kalev’s attitude.
You can get up and give it a try even though success seems so out of reach. Or you can just give up before you even begin. But just remember in whose company you will be in if you do so.
The OU Out of Town Community Shmorg
On Sunday 6/14, the OU is holding their “Emerging Jewish Communities Fair” at Lander College for Women in Manhattan.
Should you go?
I attended last years’ event in the Grand Hyatt and was somewhat disappointed. If communities are really looking to grow, you’d think they would at least have some real reasons why their communities should attract people to them. But all they had were some glitzy brochures and other schwag extolling their shuls, schools, mikvahas, and federations. Not exactly things that would motivate people to pick up and move from the greatest concentration of Jews in the world outside Israel to some dusty forsaken place they have almost never heard of.
If you are serious about moving out of town, save up some money and take a trip there. The best thing is if you could go there for a Shabbos. If you go during the summer, you can even leave on Friday morning and return on Sunday morning (or even Motzoei Shabbos if you are being on the West Coast). That should give you enough time to see the schools and sights of the town on Friday (and even check out some homes) while experiencing the full flavor of an out of town shabbos – complete with community Kiddush!
If you are looking to narrow your choices, you may want to attend the fair. But remember, most of the presenting shuls are OU synagogues, which means they are usually Modern Orthodox. If there is another shul that is more right wing, they will not be represented. So take everything you see there with a grain of salt. You can ask questions, get some contact phone numbers, and follow up with the right people. Then you can narrow your choices down and make plans to visit the community with the most appeal.
Out Of Town May Be the Answer If…
It comes a point in many kollel yungerleit’s lives that they consider the choice of “going out of town”. Surely, they think, there are kollelim out of town that are dying to get “solid guys” who are willing to pay “good money” just to have the privilege of me learning in their midst.
Wrong.
Having recently visited an out of town community, there can be nothing further than the truth. In fact, many out of town communities struggle financially to support their kollelim. Some of the people in the community may not appreciate the need for a kollel. The yungerleit in the kollel are not all treated with respect. Life is not prettier out of town.
Unless…
There is a way that works. When you live out of town, you have an opportunity like no where else to give of yourself. You can learn with appreciative baalei batim. You can invite people for Shabbos meals and inspire them to grow in their yiddishkeit. You can give special shiurim to the community. You can be a friendly face in shul, making people feel recognized and special. Your wife can befriend the women in the community and be an inspiration to them.
Almost none of these things can be done in Lakewood. These are the true opportunities of out of town Jewish communities.
Are you still interested? Then choose a place on this map. I look forward to hearing about all the good you are doing there soon!
Seth’s Advice for the (not yet employed) Kollel Guy
Seth wrote a great post for the unemployed college graduate, of which there are many today. But that advice can easily be applied to anyone looking to get out of kollel. If you have the foresight to see the end coming, you may even have time to do his plan before things get desperate.
As was mentioned previously, the only ones that do well in this kind of job market are those with a specialized field and proven experience. Specialties don’t mean only that you have some fancy degree, and experience doesn’t have to mean that you already made a ton of money.
You want a great job in sales? Volunteer to raise money for your favorite tzedaka. If you can make money in this environment, you deserve a great salary.
You want a job in organizational management? Put together a group of bochurim to collect on Purim in an organzied fashion.
You want a job as a journalist? Write articles for tzedaka newsletters and their PR releases to Hamodia and Yated.
The opportunities for demonstrating both your specialty and gaining valuable experience are everywhere. Don’t pass up on the chance to prove to the world – and yourself – that you are a valuable asset to any company that looks to hire quality people.
Kollel is Going Extinct
During the difficult financial situation we find ourselves, kollelim are begining to close – making it very difficult if not impossible for an older yungerman to find a “well-paying” kollel that will accept him.
For years, anyone who was considered good in learning and who wanted to stay in kollel “long term” was always able to rely on finding a higher paying kollel to join and manage to stay in learning longer. Not anymore. Kollelim are finding it harder than ever to meet their payroll, as donations have been drying up. In the eyes of donors, there are things that take priority over supporting a kollel made up of “older” yungerleit.
In Brooklyn, 2 of the premier kollelim for yeshivishe yungerleit have closed their doors in recent years, under the guise of “moving to Lakewood”. The remainding ones are struggling mightily to stay afloat. In Lakewood, kollelim abound, but they don’t pay hardly anything. Even the always-to-be-relied-upon “out of town” kollelim have to shut their doors to new applicants as their local support base struggles with supporting the existing local institutions. In Detroit, where Gary Torgow just opened a new kollel, there is a din torah over its opening, as the existing kollel claims that the new kollel will drain support away from them.
When there is too much of something, move away from it. Seek out the forsaken territory and excel there. In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king. Instead of trying to stick it out in kollel like everyone else is scrambling to do, show the world that you can learn while being in business. It has been done in the past, and it can be done in the future.
Who knows? Maybe we are being taught a lesson – its time to take things back to the good old days, before this insanity began.