Lost in Kollel » Deciding to Leave

Is Kollel Holding You Back From Leaving?

aaron — Wed, 05 May 2010 16:23:55 +0000

“Started with nothing and became a multi millionaire.”

You’ve heard this phrase many times, and often it is said about people that you are intimately familiar with. So many holocaust survivors came to this country with less than nothing – no family, no money, totally unfamiliar with the new country and its language – yet managed to build beautiful families and highly successful businesses.

The reason they succeeded is because they had nothing. There was no plan B, no failover safety escape. If they didn’t make money, they would starve. If they didn’t help themselves, no one else would. They were driven to success because there was no other option.

What stands in your way when you know that it’s time to leave kollel, yet you never leave? More often than not, it is the fear of failure, of not being successful at whatever occupation you will enter. Instead of pursuing your dreams, you remain in the “safety” of kollel, where there is no measurable standard of success or failure. Ironically, kollel becomes “Plan B”, which ironically becomes the very problem instead of the solution.

Becoming successful takes lots of hard work, persistence, and dedication. If you have a safety hatch to escape from, you are almost guaranteed not to win. When its time for you to leave – leave. Only when you leave yourself no other option, is when you begin to become successful.

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Is Kollel Holding You Back From Leaving?

Aaron Kotler Lakewood Interview

aaron — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:00:59 +0000

photo credit: The Lakewood Scoop

Recently, Mishpacha magazine interviewed Rabbi Aaron Kotler, the CEO of Lakewood yeshiva. He discussed how the Jewish (frum) community of Lakewood has grown drastically over the past 25 years, which he credited much of it to the work of his father Rav Shneur Kotler. He also spoke about the current economic environment, how former talmidim of the yeshiva go out and develop businesses in all kinds of fields, and how they remain connected to the values they received from their days in yeshiva.

The truth is, Lakewood’s exponential growth has less to do with the encouragement of its Roshei Yeshiva, and more to do with the talmidim themselves. It is well known that Rav Ahron Kotler ZT”L vehemently opposed former talmidim settling permanently in Lakewood after leaving yeshiva. He felt that the yeshiva area should remain entirely devoted to Torah, and if a community would settle around it the yeshiva would lose its insularity and purity. The great big “city of Torah” with all its bakeries, pizza shops, restaurants, take-outs, and fancy stores was not what Rav Ahron desired. I have heard from former talmidim of Rav Ahron how he strongly encouraged his talmidim to leave Lakewood after 4 or 5 years in kollel, move elsewhere, and be an influence on the Yidden there. Not in Lakewood, and not near the yeshiva.

So what is the cause of Lakewood’s (the city) growth? The talmidim of the yeshiva are the cause. In the past, the economy of Lakewood was simply non-existent. The only jobs available 25 years ago were to man the counters of 7-Eleven. There were no corporations or high-paying jobs within a 40 mile radius of Lakewood. Anyone leaving kollel back then was forced to move elsewhere in order to get a job or join an existing business.

So what do frum yeshiva guys do when there is no economic opportunity? They create some. Some started businesses, such as nursing homes & hospices, others began developing real estate, and pretty soon a community developed. Then came more schools, who needed rabbeim and teachers, and then came the builders to meet the needs of the growing community. It didn’t take long for the pizza shops, clothing stores, and sushi places to follow suit. With all the growth, came more businesses that opened, and more jobs that were created. 15 years ago most working balei batim were commuting to New York for their work. Today, there are more people that work in jobs within Lakewood than those who travel to the city.

When facing the inevitable “What should I do” when leaving kollel, just look around the city that you live in. It wasn’t built by Rav Ahron, Rav Shneur, or any of the present-day Roshei Yeshiva. Rather, it came to be from the courage, daring, and entrepreneurship of the many former kollel yungerleit who started with nothing – no money, no community, no support team – and yet they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

They did – and so can everyone else. The opportunities are all over the place. Go ahead and grab some for yourself.

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Aaron Kotler gives interview to mishpacha about present day Lakewood

Don’t Fight the System

aaron — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 12:40:02 +0000

Some of my readers consider the topic of this site controversial. As such, I tend to get lots of email that is critical of my viewpoints. As is typical with anonymous emails, many of them are written without much intelligence, and as such I don’t even bother replying to them. However, I do occasionally get a thoughtful and meaningful criticism, for which I take time to respond to the best of my abilities.

Recently, I received a reader comment that spoke about kollel being a “system” – and although the system doesn’t work for many of those within it, it nevertheless is in place and cannot be changed.

The truth is, fighting a system takes lots of energy, devotion, and perseverance to succeed. But taking oneself out of the system that doesn’t work doesn’t need any of that. My point is not to overthrow a broken system in its entirety, instead, everyone on their own has the ability to remove themselves from being trapped inside it.

You don’t need to kill the system in order to beat the system.

Everyone who is in kollel and is feeling unfulfilled, whether it is because they don’t feel their learning is as good as it should be, or they are sick and tired of living off their parents, or they are feeling old – you don’t have to be like that anymore.

The world is silently changing. People who had lots of money just 2 years ago, are bankrupt. And those who were dead broke 2 years ago are making millions. Opportunities exist everywhere. But staying in a system that doesn’t work for yourself is denying yourself and your family the chance of succeeding and making something of yourself.

Don’t stay somewhere just because its a “system”. Especially when you know that its a broken system. Life is too short to squander it away. Leave the system, and see for yourself how much better life can be.

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Beat the kollel system

When You Feel Old…

aaron — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 05:00:30 +0000

Feeling old is a real phenomenon, and it is a sure sign that you’ve got to get out. I’ve heard from people who stayed in kollel many years, all the time learning with great diligence, but once they realized how “old” they were, they decided to leave kollel and change their lives.

On top of all the other good reasons for a person to leave kollel, this can even affect those that are learning well, have good sources of parnossah, and feel fulfilled with what they are doing. A person’s tendency is to be drawn after others around him (Rambam De’os 5:1). A kollel by its nature is a group of poeple learning together. If a person begins to feel old, he starts losing his connection to the group around him. This causes him to slip away from the communal aspect of kollel, which means that he no longer is adding much to the kollel in which he learns.

Back when I was in kollel, I used to notice how one person that was much older than everyone else there would habitually come later than everyone else. This struck me as odd, since we were the ones with young children to keep us busy, while this man’s children were already grown.

I later understood why he was coming late. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy learning, on the contrary, this person would stay up late every night learning. However, with respect to the kollel, he was feeling too old. When you are one of the sailors, its easy to show up to the boat on time to get it going. But when you are just an onlooker, it’s fine to show up late even after the boat has already pulled away.

If you are staying in kollel longer than most of your friends, even if you are learning well, perpare yourself for the inevitable. There will come a time that you begin to feel old. Once you reach that point, it will become very difficult, even impossible, to continue being a valuable contributer to the rest of the group.

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Burn Your Bridges – And Win

aaron — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 05:16:09 +0000

Aish shows in this video the concept of “burning your bridges” – a guaranteed way to get you motivated in doing things that you always have the ability to do, but just never get around to doing them.

Ever wonder why there are deadlines? Because if there wouldn’t be any, nothing would get done. Imagine if you had 5 years to pay a parking ticket, or if you could pay for airline tickets up to the day of departure at no extra cost. When would you pay for them? It doesn’t take a genius to know that the answer is – “At the latest possible moment.” Which is precisely why deadlines exist – to get things done.

When you are in kollel, and its really time to leave, but you are still living off your parents/in-laws/wife’s job, and it’s working (sort of), there is no hard deadline forcing you to take the plunge that you really should be doing.

So how do you light a fire under your seat? The only sure method is to change the status quo by telling everyone you know of your plans. That means telling your wife, parents, chavrusa, and just about anyone you know that you are leaving kollel by the end of the zman.

Once it becomes expected, you will play it out. The line has been drawn in the sand, and you will not cross it. That’s the beauty of peer pressure working in your favor. Getting you to do what you really should be doing – without pushing it off indefinitely.

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What to Do (and not to do) When Asking to Leave Kollel

aaron — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 04:47:23 +0000

Many people feel that leaving kollel is something that needs to be discussed first with a Rov, Rosh Yeshiva or the like. And they should, especially since this is a major decision in their life. No one should be in the position of making such an important decision without first seeking proper guidance.

However, one must be very careful when presenting the issue that he does so in an open and straightforward manner. Why is this so?

From my experience in interviewing many friends and acquaintances who went through the gut wrenching process of departing from kollel, there are many pitfalls to be avoided at all costs when presenting the matter to a higher authority.

First of all, it is very important to be open and honest about your feelings. Its not time to act self righteous or make believe you are something that you aren’t. If you do, you will be causing the advice giver to err in his response to you, since he will be basing it off an erroneous assesment of where you are holding.

Second of all, it is crucial that he hears your wife’s side of the story. The best situation would be if she could come and speak for herself and present her feelings about this issue, but that is not always so practical. Your wife’s feelings play a major role in the advice he will give you, and most of the time the husband is not fully aware or capable of giving over a true picture of her side of the story.

We have seen time and time again, especially with regards to the issue of when and how to leave kollel, that the response is what the person asking the question wants to hear. The biggest favor you can be doing for both yourself and your choice of daas torah, is to fairly and honestly present your feelings – and your wife’s feelings. That way, the person can hear you out and give you an answer that is the best for you.

Being honest about your feelings is probably the hardest part of this whole process. Work on yourself BEFORE you get advice. Otherwise, you will cause untold harm to yourself and your family.

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Day # 8 (and beyond): Back to Routine?

aaron — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:00:44 +0000

Every year it seems that we go through the same routine. Cry our heads off during viduy, promise to do better, and then life comes back to routine. Is there any meaning to all of it, if on Tuesday morning we all go back to our old selves?

The truth is that there is hardly such a thing as routine. We are living in a constant sea of change. In business, nothing stays the same for long. This past year alone, the biggest bank in the country was brought down to a shadow of its former self, hundreds of banks went under, the largest auto company declared bankruptcy, while companies like Google, Apple, and Amazon enjoyed comfortable profits.

Why such a difference? The former were punished by the forces of change, while the latter few were rewarded by it. Change is not necessarily your worst enemy, if you learn to embrace it and accept its existence.

How do you accept change? By anticipating it and realizing that by just doing the same old thing again and again won’t accomplish what it used to. Those who lean into the future of change are rewarded by it, while those who choose to remain in the “safety” of the present become the next GM and Citi.

We are all prime examples of this. Spiritual bankruptcy is rampant amongst ourselves, both in terms of individual behavior, and even in whole communities. If we aren’t willing to make changes, what will become of ourselves? It isn’t enough to say, “I’ll be the same I was until now.” Because one thing is certain, that what worked up until this point will not work in the future.

I’m directing my words and the reluctant kollel yungerman who knows in his heart that the time has come, but he is too afraid to do anything about it. One thing is for certain, that just because it worked up to today does not mean it will continue to work. You know that the pressures are mounting, the bills are piling up, and the stress levels are unprecedented. Leaving kollel does not mean leaving yiddeshkeit.

Look into yourself and realize that for things to work out, change is not optional. It’s now the time to make a move forward in life.

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How to Leave Kollel Without Fear

aaron — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 04:00:18 +0000

Are you stuck? Not sure how to proceed forward once the time has come to leave the confines of full time kollel?

When its time to move forward, people tend to be stuck in their comfort zone – which is not that all comfortable as much as it is just familiar. Instead of the unknown, people stay where they know best, which is to do nothing.

Instead, here is a plan of action that works.

Tread slowly, but steadily forward, towards whatever it is that you would want to do but don’t have the guts to do.

It is scary to announce to everyone that you are leaving kollel suddenly. Why is it scary? Because everyone will talk and say things like, “Him? Why he was such a good guy. He must be having severe financial difficulties. Maybe his shver lost all his money…..”

But if you start working during bein hasdorim and at night, ramp it up during bein hazmanim, things won’t be as dramatic. It will slowly be realized that you are pursuing the path of “parnossah through independent channels”. When you finally do leave kollel, it won’t be a shock to those well meaning individuals, who instead of saying the above mentioned comments, will satisfy themselves by saying, “Yeah, I saw it coming.”

But most of all, you will have overcome your own fear. Getting yourself to do something is half of the battle. Conquer this, and you will be well on the way to success.

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Waiting for the Job Offers to Come

aaron — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:54:43 +0000

Today I had a short conversation with Rabbi Gordon, a longtime fundraiser for Chinuch Atzmai. In the course of our conversation, he mentioned how today in Lakewood so many people think that they are worthy of the greatest shtelers (rebbe jobs), and the negative consequences that arise from it. After thinking about what he said, I had the following thought:

The typical 30-40 year old Kollel yungerman is a complete paradox. On the one hand, he does not want to leave kollel, for he feels that he must get a “shteler” in order to “be anything” in life. If he leaves, he will never get a job, and he certainly feels that he is deserving of a respectable position. On the other hand, he is full of tremendous self doubt and lack of self esteem when faced with the question of, “What are your future plans?” He tries to wiggle his way out of giving a straight answer whenever his parents/ grandparents/ uncles /family acquaintances strike up a conversation about how things are doing.

Why is that? As a member of the herd, a kollel yungerman has been programmed from the start to achieve the ultimate pinnacle of success – which is to get the coveted “shteler”. Anything else is akin to admitting failure, and which yeshiva guy with any sense of pride would want to admit that? To save face, a yungerman at the crossroads of life must still declare that he is in the running for the ultimate success.

But on the other hand, the odds are clearly stacked against him. Hundreds of other, far more qualified young talmidei chachomim are in direct competition for the few shtelers that are available to someone “outside the family”. He knows deep down that the chances of him getting a decent shteler is very low, and that he won’t be able to hold out that long enough to get one. And even if he does get one, he is plagued with doubts on how well of a job he is able to do. Therefore, under the surface, your average 30 year old kollel member is a mess – torn between putting on a good showing for his parents / in laws / friends / spouse, and the harsh reality that becomes more and more apparent each and every day.

Life is full of choices, and ultimately, it’s up to you to make the right decision. Not your mother or father, not your rebbe or chaver. Only you can do what’s right for you. When the going gets tough, it’s up to you to be a man, and overcome your indecision. It’s up to you to stand up and do what’s right, and not to give heed to what other people think about you. Deep down, you know the truth. You won’t ever get that shteler, and if you do it’s going to be long wait. Your family needs you. You need to move on with life. It’s time to discover the true opportunity that is waiting for you. There is something on this world that only you are uniquely qualified to do.

If you are 30, and reading these lines, don’t allow yourself to turn 40 before you do anything. Life is too short, and the job you have is too great, to allow the fears of what other people think about you run your life.

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Fending for Yourself When Times are Hard

aaron — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:02:29 +0000

For years now, kollel has been indirectly funded primarily by the boom in real estate that so many of our bretheren had investments in. Now that the economy has dried up and real estate prices have gone south, funding for kollel has taken a big hit.

This affects both the kollel stipends themselves, forcing them to deny new enrollment and/or cut existing payouts to their yungerleit. And of course, the major supporters of kollel today, the unsung heros of the generation- our parents – are suffering from layoffs and cutbacks to their incomes.

What happens then?

In the case of the food pantry, the receivers are forced to find new sources of food. Sometimes that means they have to go out and get a job instead of waiting on line for food. Wouldn’t that be a good thing for them? It would reduce the burden of the pantry to continue to feed them for years on end, and it would allow them to respectfully take care of themselves without having to come on to other peoples’ generosity.

Can the same thing be expected to happen with kollel? I believe its already happening. Try to find a kollel that is accepting new applicants these days. Parents whose incomes are being squeezed are forced to cut the support they are giving their children.

What gives? Obviously, some of you will have to find other sources of income. Is that a bad thing? Not if it gives you independent income in an honorable way, and puts you in a position to be able to give to others who need help.

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