Lost in Kollel » Escape Kollel

Path to the Exit – Part 1

aaron — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 03:45:19 +0000

Transitioning out of kollel into the world can be a very difficult and challenging time for everyone. What is the best way to do so, limiting the pain and anguish that is often felt during this period?

Having done this before and seeing many others through the process, here are the steps to follow that will make it easier:

The first step involves just yourself.

Decide – once and for all – that you are leaving.

Really think hard and long if this is the decision you want to make. Very often, people push off making hard decisions just because they are hard, and they continue to suffer longer because of that. Don’t let that happen to you. Instead, think about the reasons why you want to leave kollel. Is it because your family needs you to earn more money? Does your wife need you to take over the burden of parnossa? Are you parents or in-laws ending their kollel support? Maybe you just are starting to feel unmotivated to continue learning all day and feel that your life will be better elsewhere.

All these are good reasons for you to decide that the time has come. But a decision must be made. And that decision has to be yours alone, without anyone else helping you.

Just to clarify – you don’t need to decide to actually leave at this point, only to decide that you want to leave. The actual decision will come later, and with other people’s input. But you do first need to decide where YOU want to lead your life. And that has to come from you alone.

No one else can tell you what you think. Only you can do that.

After you have decided that you want to leave kollel, then its time to move onto step 2 where we actually begin the process of transitioning out of kollel into whatever it is that you will do with your life.

bookmark this post

A Kollel Revolution is Brewing

aaron — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 04:24:41 +0000

Imagine if a situation would unfold where life in our society would become dramatically altered as we now know it, and people began to stir. As the economic difficulties drag on for extended periods, no more do imporverished families continue to agree supporting sons-in-law in kollel. At the same time, thousands of single girls grow tired of hearing how the most important thing in life is to work hard to support husbands who are learning, and instead crave for a husband that does what a husband should be doing…providing for her needs. While this unfolds, thousands of kollel supporters reroute their donations elsewhere, and even members of kollelim themselves, fed up with their unproductive lives, decide to make something of themselves by choosing a career path suited best for their individual skills.

The rapid overthrow of tyrant rulers in the middle east, as their citizens put their lives at risk just by becoming fed up with the mess they had been living in, shows how powerful the force of frustrated people can be. And where do these people get their strength from? Simply from the knowledge that living with freedom is a possibility. The interconnected world that we live in has sparked what is called the twitter revolution, giving courage to those who have been trained from birth by their governments to be submissive. Once they became aware of the freedom they can have, life the way they were living became just intolerable.

Kollel has been the default way of life for most bnei torah for the past 30 years. We were taught that going to work is wrong, and not for those that want to be “true” bnei torah. And thousands followed along dutifully, awaiting the glory and splendor of being a prestigious rosh yeshiva or magid shiur. This has been the path of life dictated to us growing up in yeshiva.

But with the passage of time, winds of change have begun to blow. The knowledge that life outside the walls of yeshiva can be meaningful and positive have begun to filter down into the minds and hearts of the mainstream. The concept that going to work can be a choice of life for many a ben torah has taken root in the younger generation.

If you are one that is frustrated with the way your life in kollel has turned out, why not stop and take a look around you? There is a life waiting for you that is not so terrible as you envisioned. Put that frustration you feel to work, by overcoming the status quo and taking action to better your life. The people of Egypt and Libya have shown us by the hundreds of thousands that when your freedom is suppressed, its worth fighting with your life to regain that freedom. Certainly that is true when the one stealing your freedom is yourself.

bookmark this post

Are Kollel Guys “Bench Kvetchers”?

aaron — Sun, 09 May 2010 04:39:29 +0000

In his weekly column for Mishpacha magazine, R’ Yonason Rosenblum wrote how he was appalled at hearing someone apply the term “bench kvetchers” to many of those learning in kollel today. His response: There can never be too much ameilus baTorah. Even those never destined to become maggedei shiur are a great value, and not deserving of being called “bench kvetchers.”

R’ Yonason, of course, was overreacting to the very real phenomenon that exists today in kollelim around the world. Indeed, all of his points about the importance of Torah study are 100% true. However, there is also a very large element in kollel that can definitely be referred to as “bench kvetchers”.

A bench kvetcher is a derisive term to someone who “sits” without an occupation instead of working. By its very definition, one who is fully occupied with his learning, even if he is not “earning”, is not a bench kvetcher. However, one who is in kollel by default, and is not fully engaged in Torah study, is a classic example of a bench kvetcher.

There are many reasons why someone chooses to be in kollel – some of them are noble, and some of them are not. If someone feels a true calling to learn in kollel instead of working, he will never allow himself to be a “bench kvetcher”. He will never let a seder slip by without utilizing every moment to toil in learning. His life is fully engaged in the spiritual pursuit of what R’ Yonason describes as “being of infinite value.”

But the many others who remain in kollel for less noble reasons – i.e. they are too scared to “jump” into the unkown, or they are enjoying living off other people’s money, or they feel societal pressure to be someone they really aren’t worthy of being – these are the people that give kollel a bad name.

Who knows, maybe if they were actually called out as being what they really are – “bench kvetchers” – that would get them moving along in the right direction.

bookmark this post

Don’t Fight the System

aaron — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 12:40:02 +0000

Some of my readers consider the topic of this site controversial. As such, I tend to get lots of email that is critical of my viewpoints. As is typical with anonymous emails, many of them are written without much intelligence, and as such I don’t even bother replying to them. However, I do occasionally get a thoughtful and meaningful criticism, for which I take time to respond to the best of my abilities.

Recently, I received a reader comment that spoke about kollel being a “system” – and although the system doesn’t work for many of those within it, it nevertheless is in place and cannot be changed.

The truth is, fighting a system takes lots of energy, devotion, and perseverance to succeed. But taking oneself out of the system that doesn’t work doesn’t need any of that. My point is not to overthrow a broken system in its entirety, instead, everyone on their own has the ability to remove themselves from being trapped inside it.

You don’t need to kill the system in order to beat the system.

Everyone who is in kollel and is feeling unfulfilled, whether it is because they don’t feel their learning is as good as it should be, or they are sick and tired of living off their parents, or they are feeling old – you don’t have to be like that anymore.

The world is silently changing. People who had lots of money just 2 years ago, are bankrupt. And those who were dead broke 2 years ago are making millions. Opportunities exist everywhere. But staying in a system that doesn’t work for yourself is denying yourself and your family the chance of succeeding and making something of yourself.

Don’t stay somewhere just because its a “system”. Especially when you know that its a broken system. Life is too short to squander it away. Leave the system, and see for yourself how much better life can be.

bookmark this post

What to Do (and not to do) When Asking to Leave Kollel

aaron — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 04:47:23 +0000

Many people feel that leaving kollel is something that needs to be discussed first with a Rov, Rosh Yeshiva or the like. And they should, especially since this is a major decision in their life. No one should be in the position of making such an important decision without first seeking proper guidance.

However, one must be very careful when presenting the issue that he does so in an open and straightforward manner. Why is this so?

From my experience in interviewing many friends and acquaintances who went through the gut wrenching process of departing from kollel, there are many pitfalls to be avoided at all costs when presenting the matter to a higher authority.

First of all, it is very important to be open and honest about your feelings. Its not time to act self righteous or make believe you are something that you aren’t. If you do, you will be causing the advice giver to err in his response to you, since he will be basing it off an erroneous assesment of where you are holding.

Second of all, it is crucial that he hears your wife’s side of the story. The best situation would be if she could come and speak for herself and present her feelings about this issue, but that is not always so practical. Your wife’s feelings play a major role in the advice he will give you, and most of the time the husband is not fully aware or capable of giving over a true picture of her side of the story.

We have seen time and time again, especially with regards to the issue of when and how to leave kollel, that the response is what the person asking the question wants to hear. The biggest favor you can be doing for both yourself and your choice of daas torah, is to fairly and honestly present your feelings – and your wife’s feelings. That way, the person can hear you out and give you an answer that is the best for you.

Being honest about your feelings is probably the hardest part of this whole process. Work on yourself BEFORE you get advice. Otherwise, you will cause untold harm to yourself and your family.

bookmark this post

If I Was Not Learning in Kollel…

aaron — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 06:06:44 +0000

Would I stop whatever I was doing and join kollel?

This is a question you should constantly be asking yourself if you are in kollel. Being in kollel means forgoeing the usual responsibilities most men are faced with – supporting their wife and children, and placing that burden on others. Yes, the burden is shifted to others, whether it is your wife, your father or father in law, or the community that is supporting your kollel.

If it is truly is your heartfelt desire to be in kollel, then by all means, continue doing so.

But if when you ask yourself the above question, the answer is “No”, perhaps its about time to accept upon yourself the responsibilities of life. Asking others to bear your burden is fine if you are truly committed, but when you admit that your learning in kollel is only by default, its high time for you to get out and make a life for yourself.

Live a life of purpose, not by default.

bookmark this post

Day # 8 (and beyond): Back to Routine?

aaron — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:00:44 +0000

Every year it seems that we go through the same routine. Cry our heads off during viduy, promise to do better, and then life comes back to routine. Is there any meaning to all of it, if on Tuesday morning we all go back to our old selves?

The truth is that there is hardly such a thing as routine. We are living in a constant sea of change. In business, nothing stays the same for long. This past year alone, the biggest bank in the country was brought down to a shadow of its former self, hundreds of banks went under, the largest auto company declared bankruptcy, while companies like Google, Apple, and Amazon enjoyed comfortable profits.

Why such a difference? The former were punished by the forces of change, while the latter few were rewarded by it. Change is not necessarily your worst enemy, if you learn to embrace it and accept its existence.

How do you accept change? By anticipating it and realizing that by just doing the same old thing again and again won’t accomplish what it used to. Those who lean into the future of change are rewarded by it, while those who choose to remain in the “safety” of the present become the next GM and Citi.

We are all prime examples of this. Spiritual bankruptcy is rampant amongst ourselves, both in terms of individual behavior, and even in whole communities. If we aren’t willing to make changes, what will become of ourselves? It isn’t enough to say, “I’ll be the same I was until now.” Because one thing is certain, that what worked up until this point will not work in the future.

I’m directing my words and the reluctant kollel yungerman who knows in his heart that the time has come, but he is too afraid to do anything about it. One thing is for certain, that just because it worked up to today does not mean it will continue to work. You know that the pressures are mounting, the bills are piling up, and the stress levels are unprecedented. Leaving kollel does not mean leaving yiddeshkeit.

Look into yourself and realize that for things to work out, change is not optional. It’s now the time to make a move forward in life.

bookmark this post

Fridays, Early Mornings, and End of Zman Diehards

aaron — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 03:46:31 +0000

Here is a sure way to tell who is learning in kollel and loving it – come to any kollel on a Friday morning 10:00, and take a look around to see who is there.

The difference between someone who shows up at 9:30 or 10:00 is not just a half hour a day (which adds up to 3 hours a week, or 15 hours a month). Its the difference between someone who loves being in kollel, and someone who is just floating along.

When you love learning, everything is different. The learning flows beautifully, everything comes together with such clarity, you cover ground, write notes, and accomplish goals you have set for yourself.

But when you are just passing through, the clock works its way miserably slow towards the end of seder, no goals are set so there is nothing to accomplish, and there is definitely no clarity in your learning.

If you are from the minority in the first group, kollel is made for you. But if you are like the majority who finds them self in the last group, you are clearly in the wrong place.

Are those who don’t come early, on Fridays, and peter out at the end the zman utter failures at learning? Absolutely not. They are just from the botttom 80%. The 80-20 rule dictates that 80% of the learning is accomplished by only 20% of the people doing it.

If you’re willing to admit to yourself by your actions that you are not the top 20%, maybe its time to admit to yourself that you’re also in the wrong place.

Life is too short to be stuck in mediocrity. Be the best in what you do, whether in kollel – or out.

bookmark this post

The Lust to Be in Power

aaron — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:13:50 +0000

It’s a real thing. People love being in control. Some people who you’d think have it all have demonstrated that being in power is the ultimate desire.

We can’t understand it, because we don’t have that kind of money. But apparently for those who do, all the money doesn’t provide happiness. Only being in control, power, and the ability to shape what is arguably the most important city in the world is what keeps this man satisfied.

Oh, and by the way – he gets his way. Everyone said back in ’01 that he couldn’t win, but he proved otherwise. Everyone said he couldn’t govern a city on the verge of financial ruin, and he turned it around. Everyone said he couldn’t get reelected, and he won by a landslide. And now that he was facing term limits, he got the city council to overturn them so he could rule the city for another 4 years.

He realized something that many of us tend to forget. Its not what you have that makes a person worth anything, its what you do with what you have. Everyone of us has something special in them, a unique talent that makes them most qualified to do something with their life. While you are in kollel, its difficult to bring out that special quality. When you are forced to fend for yourself in the world, your competitive spririt brings out those hidden talents.

Deep inside all of us, that spirit lies locked away, hoping to be released. And nothing, not even all the money in the world, can satisfy its desire to come out and achieve its purpose.

bookmark this post

Loving What You Do: Starting The New Z’man

aaron — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 05:45:14 +0000

Let’s face it: Most successful people love what they do. It’s almost impossible to throw oneself into something that you hate doing. And its almost impossible to be successful without throwing yourself into it.

What is success? It’s not measured in dollars or fame. Success is defined by Chazal as being the ultimate blessing – Shalom. It is the last word in Birchas Kohanim, and Rashi explains that without peace nothing else counts.

If you see someone doing something and he is truly at peace with it, then you know he is successful. Whether or not that person has money is not the issue. They have achieved success at what they do – and therefore they are at peace.

Yehudah Green is a great example of a man at peace. Watching him sing at a performance is truly a sight to behold. He LOVES what he does. When he sings, he infects the crowd with his contagious spirit. As the performance goes on, he doesn’t lose intesity, but instead gets more and more involved. He truly throws himself into his singing and his audience, which underscores his passion for what he is doing. It doesn’t matter how many times he has performed that day, each one is with the strengh and freshness of the first time.

Now we’re off to a new z’man. As you enter the doors of your kollel for yet another year of learning, the question you face is very simple – Do you really love what you do? If you do, you will be at peace with yourself, and you are in the right occupation. But if your learning is a struggle, day in and day out, maybe its time to face the hard truth that you really don’t love learning. And if you don’t really love learning, it will be impossible for you to be successful in kollel. Which means that you – and your learning – might just be better off if you leave kollel.

bookmark this post