Lost in Kollel » Parental Support

Is It Called Love, or Something Else?

aaron — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:01:51 +0000

Loving your children is taken by many to mean showering them with care and taking care of all their problems. This is wrong. Actually, the most valuable gift to your children is not solving all their problems. Better to give them the strength and courage to deal with issues that come their way – on their own.

A number of years ago, we were dealing with a complex medical issue of a child. Doctors needed to be arranged, tests had to be performed, and specialists had to be reached. We were overwhelmed with all the responsibilities which came with it all. At the same time a friend of mine was also facing a medical issue of a child. As we were chatting about our situations, he told me that he and his wife don’t have to make any appointments or any arrangements. His mother in law informs them when they have an appointment and they go. Sometimes he doesn’t even go along to the appointments. His wife would meet her mother in the city and meet the doctor without him.

At the time, I remember having mixed feelings about what he told me. On the one hand, having someone else do everything for you is a great relief. It would have been great to just have to care about the emotional aspect of having a child suffer and not have to be overwhelmed with all the responsibilities. But I also felt a little bad for them. His in-laws weren’t doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. They were doing it because they loved their grandchild, and didn’t trust their children to do a good enough job. In their minds, the parents are still young & inexperienced, and cannot be trusted.

That’s not love. If you love your children, teach them how to make the appointments. Stand with them as they get in touch with the doctor. Don’t go along to the appointment, but have supper waiting for them when they come back. You want to make sure they did a good job – get the other kids cared for so they can focus on doing their best.

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His Business is Failing, But he Has 5 Son-in-Laws in Kollel

aaron — Sun, 16 May 2010 05:25:48 +0000

There is a very fine person in our shul who is always learning, helping others, and supporting himself with his work. He was successful many years in business, but lately his business has declined considerably.

He has 5 married daughters, each of them being fully supported by him. That means some of them have been married for 10+ years and are receiving more than 75% of their annual income from him. He continues to do provide for them, although it is a great strain for him. Plus there are more children coming up for marriage in the near future.

His sons-in-law have a choice. They can either continue taking the money, realizing that although it is coming with great difficulty, he is somehow managing to dig up the funds. And after all, isn’t this what he accepted upon himself? Or they can realize what a burden this must be to him, and make immediate plans to relieve him from this unbearable load. Instead of one person supporting 5 families + his own, each of them can take responsibility for their own family, allowing him to focus on getting his finances back in shape.

As an outsider, most people would of course say that the second way is right. However, when you are the son in law faced with this decision, it’s all too easy to default to the first choice. Who in their right mind would willingly tear apart their lives and force themselves into the unknown, just for the sake of someone else? It takes a real man, a caring person, a mentsch, to see the truth and do the right thing.

As parents, how would you want your children to decide? Most people would want their sons in law to do the right thing, as uncomfortable as it may be. If so, use this scenario as a measuring stick when your children are in shidduchim. Is this boy someone who would willingly forgo his support and lifestyle should things become too hard for you to manage? If the answer is no, perhaps it would be wise to give him a pass, even if he just so happens to be the biggest lamdan in Lakewood.

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Supporting Kids in Kollel – Are They Really Happy With It?

aaron — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 22:19:04 +0000

A common belief among parents of children learning in kollel is that financially supporting them throughout their years of learning is a positive experience. However, that almost always is never the case.

A recent informal study done by Kollel Guy revealed that kollel men who were supported by their parents or in-laws for a period of time have stated that they feel more comfortable and close with their parents or in-laws now when they are not being supported, when compared to the period in which they were receiving support.

This finding, which may seem shocking to some, is not really difficult to explain.

The reason is simple – both the parents and the children don’t really feel that kollel support is an even exchange.

There is an inborn sense of shame when a person receives something for which they (and everyone else) know they are not entitled to. (A case in point: President Obama’s tepid acceptance of the Nobel Peace Prize.)

If parents of kollel members really felt their children deserved their support – which comes at great sacrifice, they wouldn’t resent them. If the kollel families would feel truly deserving of their parents’ support, they wouldn’t have any shame or guilt in accepting their support. Instead, there is this lopsided twist to the relationship, where the parents feel they are giving for no good reason and the children feel they are taking without really deserving it.

Since the kollel family has no other means of surviving, the mess continues on and gets progressively worse.

You may counter, “But isn’t supporting a young family while the husband learns the greatest thing one can do with money?” Yes, if it is being given (and taken) truly with those intentions. When those giving the support feel they are getting an equal (*or greater*) value in exchange.

How can you tell if you have the proper perspective on kollel support? Here’s an easy test: Assume you had an extra $15,000 a year. What would you do with that money? Would you use it to support your hard-working-but-not-rich neighbor’s kids in kollel, or would you treat yourself to a new sheitel / vacation / kitchen remodel? Most people would choose the latter. Why? Because even though supporting Torah is great, let someone else have that opportunity.

Two friends of mine, who received kollel support in the early years of their marriage, when asked what they would do if they won the lottery, both said the same thing. “We would take all the money our parents / in-laws ever gave us, and give it all back to them. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Parents – realize that your children are also not thrilled with the notion that they are being supported by their parents, sometimes at great personal sacrifice and with great strain.

Children – If your parents are giving without “getting back” their money’s worth, its time to call it quits. There is nothing more miserable than living off parents who are begrudgingly parting with their money. Prove to them, and to yourself, that you really can do it on your own.

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The Gedolim Speak Out Against Excessive Kollel Support

aaron — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 05:31:25 +0000

Mishpacha magazine reported this week about a meeting that was held recently in Bnei Brak by an organization called Shehasimcha Bimono. The purpose of the meeting was to try and put an end to the prohibitive demands of support made by bochurim in shidduchim from girls’ parents, such as expensive apartments in Bnei Brak and Yerushalayim.

The article showed a picture of Rav Berel Povarsky, Rosh Hayeshiva of Ponevezh, who said that making such demands are a matter of pikuach nefesh, causing illness and even heart failure in parents who overextend themselves to marry off their daughters. He said that bochurim must not make demands from those who could not possibly afford it. Rav Povarsky suggested that young couples should buy apartments in distant cities where the cost of an apartment is only $70,000. He also suggested that Roshei Yeshiva travel to these places on a regular basis to give shiurim and visit with those living there to make the idea more tempting.

While this is long overdue, this brings up a number of issues that many of us have with the current system:

Parents buying apartments for their children: The assumption that is the given in E”Y that parents must purchase apartments for their children is something that defies both math and logic. Why should one person be required to pay for 10 apartments – even if its ONLY!? $70,000 (one for each of his 10 children), if one person could instead just pay for one (his own)?
Living far away: Many girls are too attached to live far away from her parents. There will always be those parents who wish to keep their daughters close by that will extend themselves to keep their children close. This will cause others to follow suit, defeating the entire plan being proposed.
Exceptions for the “best”: As with all great takanos, rules were meant to be broken. There will always be the roshei yeshiva, VIPs, the wealthy, and those that have to appear wealthy, who will act as if the rules don’t apply to them. No one will have the courage to stop them from setting a bad example for everyone, and the “rules” will end up applying only to the “regular” people.

Instead of putting a band aid on a gushing wound, its time to do massive surgery. Let young couples who get married take care of themselves. Forget about support, apartments in far away cities, or any other source of stress. Mesirus Nefesh for Torah shouldn’t mean that someone else suffers a heart attack for your learning. Let your Torah come at a price that you – and only you – should be required to pay. Not only does it make more sense this way, the Torah learned by a person who is paying a heavy price for his learning is a higher caliber learning than someone who was “taken care of”. Pas Bamelech Tochal was said over 2,000 years ago, but it applies also to the present situation, even though kollel has become standard practice.

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Kollel Support Even After Divorce?

aaron — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 04:35:07 +0000

Sometimes you hear a story that shocks you so badly you can’t believe it to be true. But when it happens to close people you know, it becomes even more difficult to believe.

Yes, it is the norm that young men are supported by their parents and in-laws during their first years of marriage while the husband spends his days learning full time in kollel. It is a sacrifice the parents make to allow their children to be able to devote themselves to learning. It goes without saying that the children in turn show appreciation for their parents sacrifice on their behalf.

However, unfortunately for the majority of those who do truly appreciate their parents devotion and sacrifice, there are those few young men who seem to feel otherwise. In their minds, the parents of the girl should have to pay them just for the honor of them choosing to marry their daughter.

Here is a recent example of this phenomenon:

A young kollel couple in Lakewood had been married for just a few months. Their marriage was not going well, and eventually the wife, left her husband and moved back in with her parents. After consultation with marriage counselors, rabbonim etc. the outcome was clear – the marriage could not be saved. It was agreed upon by both sides to swiftly end the marriage and “move on”.

That was until the husband made his intentions known- that is if the woman wants a Get, her father must pay him off before he gives her one. Just for the privilege of receiving a Get – which he is anyways obligated to give her – he demanded money.

This selfish, obnoxious demand could only come from an attitude that “I deserve this money.” He never saw his father-in-law’s sacrifice to support him while he learned as a sacrifice. Had he truly felt that way, and had his father also felt that way when he “negotiated” the shidduch of his son, they never could have brought themselves to demand money from the helpless father. Because they felt that the support was “coming to us”, they were able to justify making such a ridiculous demand.

At the divorce proceedings, when the woman’s father handed over the cash to the boy’s father, one of her brothers called out, “You will one day have to give a chesbon for every dollar.” The boy’s father made believe he didn’t hear them. So the brother made sure to call out again, this time a little louder – “You will have to give a din v’cheshbon on every dollar!”

Are we listening to this story? Yes, the boy and his father will have to give a cheshbon on every dollar. But are we taking to heart the lessons of this incident? It’s time for all of us to realize how out of hand kollel support has become. Demanding support in return for marriage is one thing, but when it is demanded even after divorce, that shows just how broken this system is. It’s time for us to make a cheshbon on every dollar we are giving and receiving, and make sure it’s really justified.

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When Supporting Kids Just Never Stops

aaron — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:14:28 +0000

Reading Mishapacha’s article about the late philanthropist Moshe Saba of Mexico City, I came across something which is sure to be a controversial issue among many of you.

Moshe Saba, who was worth in the hundreds of millions, insisted that his son Alberto work part time. Here is the quote from Mishpacha magazine:

“Last Elul, Alberto [the son] cried to me,” Rav Dovid Yosef says. “He begged me to persuade his father to let him sit in kollel. I don’t need the money that I earn. I want to learn,” he told me.” This wasn’t a new discussion between Alberto and his father, when the issue would come up, the two of them would go to Rav Ovadia, who knew how to carefully dissipate the tension. Moshe wanted his son to be a ben torah, and therefore encouraged him to spend half a day learning. But on the other hand, he didn’t want him to be completely pampered and dependent on his parents.

Money buys many things. But a rich man who became rich through hard work, sweat, and tears, knows that true success is not just being financially well off. He wanted his son to be strong, independent, and courageous. Money is one thing, but being a successful person cannot be bought with dollars.

But what is wrong with learning in kollel for a few years? Surely, someone like Moshe Saba who himself was a talmid chochom of note, would appreciate the value of learning. Why did he not allow his son to learn for a few years and then bring him in to the business?

There are too many well to do families that are supporting their children longer than they anticipated, all in the name of “helping their kids in learning.” It creates a culture of dependency that never stops. How many families are there where they are in their 30s and even 40s, marrying off their kids, that are still dependent on their parent’s support? Moshe felt that while learning is very important, teaching his son “to fish” is even more important.

Is he wrong?

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How NOT to Support Your Kids

aaron — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:52:19 +0000

There are a few different ways of doing kollel support. Some are better than others, but then there is the type that is just plain stupid, and also very harmful to the family who is being supported.

A well known g’vir had been supporting his son-in-law and daughter for over 20 years by simply giving them a checkbook that did not have to be balanced. Meaning, they would be able to write checks without having to worry if there was enough money in the account, because there always was enough. They were able to shop for food, clothing, seforim, furniture, even take the family to Eretz Yisroel for Yom Tov, without having to account for a thing.

This son-in-law once related to a close friend, “I don’t know what it means to pay an electric bill. I never paid one in my life.” Of course he mailed the check to the utility company. He just meant that the money came out of an account that he did not see, did not know, and quite frankly, didn’t care much about.

That is, until six months ago. Six month’s ago, his father in law’s business got zapped by the economic downturn. He informed his son-in-law that the “account” from which the checks were drawn was being closed. No further explanation was necessary. They were being placed “on their own” after being on the draw for over 20 years.

The problem is not that the support stopped so abruptly. The problem is not that he is refusing to continue supporting them after 20 years. The real problem here is that the father of this family hasn’t a clue on how to manage money. Imagine a 45 year old with no idea on how to pay a light bill, where to get money to buy clothing, and how to pay the mortgage.

Add to that his daughter just turned 18 years old. Weddings are just around the corner. And he hasn’t a clue on how he is going to pay for them. Since he always lived comfortably, the velt (and shadchanim) will expect him to be generous with support and chasusna expenses.

The final word: Unless the father in law’s money comes back really quick, their family would have been better off had they not lived off his support all these years. Then they at least would have a clue.

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Day # 4 – Relationship with Friends & Relatives

aaron — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 03:16:28 +0000

Leaving kollel invariably will cause a stir amongst your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and relatives. Its not every day that a serious learner picks himself up and goes out to work. During these Aseres Yemei Tshuva, you should make it a point to decide how to deal with all this gossip and incredulous stares that you will face during the “going to work” process.

First of all, remember that your relatives are greatly relieved at your decision. They were worried about you, and when you show the responsibility and maturity to take care of yourself, they will be glad. About your neighbors and casual acquaintances – who really cares about their gossip? They will talk about you for a day or two at most, but after that the novelty of what you are doing will quickly fade.

But when it comes to your friends, herein lies a great opportunity. Your friends will not abandon you en masse just because you left kollel. Although they may outwardly express their displeasure at your actions, deep down they are somewhat intrigued and even a bit jealous. Those friends who are still in kollel with no plan at all, will consider you as an experiment for what they should do themselves.

That is where the opportunity presents itself. In your relationship with your friends, you must realize they are hurting inside, and they are in need of help themselves. Although you probably won’t be in a position to help them financially, you will be able to help them by getting out of kollel into a career or business that suits them.

Getting started in business requires that someone actively promotes your services to qualified prospects. As you engage in the business world, you are interacting on a daily basis with potential customers of your friends. Keep them in mind as you go about your way. There are countless opportunities to help another yid when it comes to parnossa, whether landing them a suitable job or a qualified customer.

There is no better z’chus for you than by demonstrating your concern for others, even as you go about getting yourself established on firm ground. All it takes is some care and concern, and it doesn’t even cost you a dime.

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Day # 4 – Relationship with Friends & Relatives

Lesson From the Parsha: Ki Seitzei

aaron — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:06:43 +0000

The ben sorer u’moreh never was. But its lesson remains clear. A 13 year old boy gets dragged into court to be sentenced to death – by none other than his parents. If one of them refused to bring him, he would not get killed. The punishment is only given if both of his parents give their consent.

How could parents be so brutal to want their child to die? After all, if they would just not bring him to the court, they wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. They are not under any obligation to bring their son to be put to death.

Yet, they do so because they would rather choose with the small embrassment of having a son put to death than the much greater shame and suffering of having their son grow up to be a terrifying bandit who robs and kills innocent people. They choose to put themselves through a lesser more immediate pain than the long term stain on their family. They choose the hard way, because it is truly a better choice, for themselves, and for their wicked son.

If today’s parents would take this perspective on raising their children, we would have far less numbers of unfulfilled grow ups who find themselves floating through life. Parents would no longer fund their children’s stupidity to “make it easier” for them to get by. There would be far fewer grand homes built in Lakewood by wealthy (or deeply in debt) parents who “only want the best” for their children.

Wise parents take a long term perspective, realizing that “having it hard” is what develops a person, and allows him to reach his full potential, instead of stifiling it by managing their life for them.

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Is it Better to Drive a Bike or a Train?

aaron — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 03:06:45 +0000

A train seems much better. It’s big, fancy, has lots of buttons on the control, stretches very long, makes loud whistle noises, and can travel great distances.

However, from the driver’s perspective, a train driver doesn’t really control anything. He just pulls the lever down to go faster, and pulls it back up to stop. He can’t steer the train (a train doesn’t even have a steering wheel), he can’t even control which direction to go (that the job of the guy throwing the track switch). A train driver doesn’t really have much power. He is directed by others where he brings the train.

On the other hand, a bike rider has the freedom to go where he pleases, as fast (or as slow) as he wishes, without restrictions. He can ride over the George Washington Bridge while everyone else sits in traffic and has to pay $8 or more for the privilege. He can find parking in the busiest Manhattan street. A big is not a fancy set of wheels, its not big and complicated, but from the driver’s perspective, he has full control over it.

This analogy applies to each and every one of us. Do you want to be in control of your life, chart your own course, and go wherever your heart desires? Or do you prefer the control of others, keeping you on their rails, sending you in the direction they switch at whim.

Sometimes you have to settle for a bicycle over a train, but its well worth it.

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