Lost in Kollel » Self Improvement

Lazy Comes in Many Forms

aaron — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 03:48:49 +0000

Lazy doesn’t just mean having a hard time getting up in the morning. It comes in many different forms. You can be too lazy to actually go to bed at night. You can be too lazy to write a letter to someone, pick up flowers for your wife, call your lonely uncle, or visit your elderly neighbor.

Lazy does not just mean someone who acts relaxed and slow all the time. You can even be lazy and work 18 hours a day. Someone who occupies himself with trivial, meaningless tasks is not acting slow or relaxed, but they are still being lazy. One can spend their whole life serving customers at the bakery, or finding beds for bochurim in the Irv, and yet they are still being lazy.

How so? By being lazy they refuse to take the positive yet uncomfortable steps to better their lives and the lives of their families for whom they are responsible for. It seems safe and cozy to continue doing the familiar work they have been doing, but in reality all they are being is lazy. And scared.

It’s scary to make a move that will change everything. Who knows if it will work? What will other people say? Does my wife approve of it? Doesn’t my family/friends expect better from me? Isn’t it too scary? What will happen when…

So many objections. They all seem valid. But ultimately, its about time to call it what it really is – laziness. Get up off the couch of your comfort zone, and do something that makes you sweat. Prove to yourself that you really can do more – and do it well. Give yourself a chance like you never had before. And defeat the lazy side of you forever.

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Free Lunch vs. True Freedom

aaron — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:19:08 +0000

“There is no such thing as a free lunch.”

It’s much easier to go for the free lunch. At least in the short-term. There is no worrying where your next meal is coming from, you don’t even have to decide on the menu. You may not love the food that is being served, but hey, it’s free, and you can’t beat free.

Unless of course, it’s not really free.

In the desert, the Jews were confused by this as well. They “remembered” the free lunches they had back in Mitzrayim, where they ate fish, cucumbers, garlic, onions, and melons for “free”. They wished they were back there, under the yoke of slavery – all for the free lunch. Which of course wasn’t free.

On this Z’man Cheirusainu (festival of freedom), make the decision to become truly free. Free of costly parental support. Free of relying on the government. Free of other people ordering you what to do.

Become truly free by having YOU decide your destiny. This is what we celebrate on Pesach. True freedom may seem difficult, or even impossible, but it is what we are celebrating today.

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Twice as Much in Half the Time

aaron — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 04:10:45 +0000

As frum people, we have to accomplish twice as much is half the time.

Compared with the average family in the US, a frum family has at least double (most likely 3x) the expenses. Tuition, kosher food, clothing, summer camps, etc. Earning that extra money means having to work harder. But we also have much less time than the average person in the US. Between learning, davening, Shabbos & Yom Tov, family obligations, etc. much of the time is simply not available for work.

That leaves us with having to accomplish twice as much in half the time. Nevertheless, we somehow manage to do so.

The reason we are able to do 4x as much as the average person is because we have to. Its amazing what gets done when there is no other choice. Under pressure, a person accomplishes more than otherwise would be reasonable to expect.

The problem most kollel guys face is the lack of pressure. Why bother accomplishing, when there is nothing forcing them to do so? Of course they are dedicating their lives to Torah, but as long as there are no specific goals to accomplish, they are satisfied with the fact that they are simply learning.

If kollel would be a job with real goals and deadlines, how much more could be accomplished? Certainly, a lot more than is being done now. The real challenge of a kollel yungerman today is to treat his years in kollel like a true job, by setting challenging goals for himself. That way, he really comes out of kollel with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Nothing is like the real world with its actual challenges and demands. However, a kollel yungerman can go a long way by artifically making it hard for himself. Pressure can be a good thing, for it makes us do things we otherwise would think are just not possible.

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Being a Doer vs. Just a Onlooker

aaron — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:12:03 +0000

If you ever want to get an idea of how many people are out there on the internet, take a look at Wikipedia. There are millions of articles on every possible subject under the sun, all of them authored by anonymous volunteer experts on the particular subject matter. It is truly amazing to see how great things can be accomplished with collaborative effort. In reality, there are a few power editors, less than 1% of Wikipedia’s users, who contribute the bulk of the content on the massive website.

But the numbers can be deceiving. For every writer that there is on Wikipedia, there are at least 9 others that have never edited a thing! Most people just sit back and read what other people have to say, without adding anything of value.

As we go through life, we have a choice. We can be power writers, who use our knowledge and capabilities to teach and influence the lives of others around us, or we can just sit back and be an onlooker, who enjoys the work of others without adding anything of value.

All of us have within us the ability to influence others. It can be something regarding learning, business, or even just about having fun. You have the choice – you can decide to become an influencer, a doer, a person who writes instead of just reads. You will grow too from being an influencer, and it will most likely define who you are as a person. Or you can just go ahead and surf to the next post or blog and read someone else’s wisdom. But what good does that do for you?

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Day # 7 – All Prepared for Yom Kippur (KABBALOS LIST)

aaron — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:00:08 +0000

Are you prepared for Yom Kippur?

Most of us don’t give Yom Kippur much thought. It comes as always, on the 10th of Tishrei, at the most incovenient time of the year. School just started for the kids, Sukkos is only a few days away, and we are supposed to seriously reflect on our deeds and make improvements.

Most people cannot be expected to make major changes to their lifestyle. Even if they say they will, there is hardly any chance that these changes will hold for any significant time.

But we can make subtle changes to our thinking without drastically altering our lifestyle, that will make a huge difference to our lives, both for our spiritual as well as our emotional well being.

The 7 day series was directed at the kollel guy who is headed out to work. However, the lessons here apply to anyone, both those who are already working as well as those who aren’t. They aren’t life altering at all, but they will make a huge impact.

Go back and review them one by one, and extract whatever lessons apply to you. Then the challenge is to remember them and apply them as we go about our daily routines.

I have put together a short list of kabbalos in hebrew (SEE LINK BELOW) that can be printed on an index card and placed into your machzor to take to shul. Keep them in mind as you say the viduy, and commit to at least some of them.

kabbalos yom kippur 5770

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Day # 6 – Your Relationship with Money

aaron — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 00:00:39 +0000

Leaving kollel is all about taking control of your own finances, and so you will be focusing more attention on your finances. Before you get in “over your head” it important to make sure you control your attitudes towards money so that it doesn’t gain control over you.

The Chafetz Chaim pointed out how in Ne’eilah of Yom Kippur, the one aveirah that is singled out is that of gezeila – “L’maan nechdal meioshek yadeinu”. See the mishna brura who explains that theft is the sin that stands out the most to accuse a person, that is why we ask forgiveness especially for that. On Yom Kippur, when we are as holy as malachim, we beseech Hashem for forgiveness for something that seems so distant from us at that moment. However, the yetzer hora is very clever, and he is able to get us with this more than anywhere else.

In a study conducted by the authors of The Millionaire Next Door, they surveyed dozens of ultra wealthy people, looking for qualities that were shared by a singnificant number of them. They found the one quality that stands out the most was super high levels of integrity. Contrary to popular belief that most millionaires got rich by ripping off everyone, instead they found that the super rich people generally were people of high integrity.

Business requires lots of trust between partners, customers, suppliers, and everyone else it interacts with. Trustworthy people, besides their honesty are also so much more pleasant to work with. Money tends to flow towards those who can be trusted.

You may think, at this point what could I possibly be dishonest about? But the yetzer hora is already sowing the seeds of malice, little by little. It starts off with small amounts that you can rationalize, and pretty soon it becomes “just the way of doing business.”

Don’t get caught in this disasterous trap of dishonesty. Integrity rewards you both in this world, and the next.

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Day # 5 – Remain in Learning Even After You Leave

aaron — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:00:44 +0000

Leaving kollel usually brings about devastation to one’s learning. While in kollel, the day revolves around the sedorim, the chavrusah, going to kollel and keeping up with the oilam. But once you leave kollel, there is no longer that focus to keep you anchored to the gemara. It is too easy to get trapped by the demands of the work world and “forget” about sitting down and learning.

To counter this problem, it became the style for baalei batim to learn Daf Yomi. The reasoning is that if you have to learn a blatt every day just to keep up, that would keep one on track with his learning and he would be careful not to miss.

However, making daf yomi your exclusive learning is not a good idea. First of all, it’s much too fast to get any good comprehension of the gemara in the short time allotted to learning the daf. It doesn’t even go in at all, never mind that it doesn’t stay in. But even more troublesome is that it is so easy to fall behind, and once that happens, most people just give it up.

There are better ways. Here is what Rav Meir Stern, Rosh Yeshiva of Passaic suggested to a talmid of his who was entering the workforce. He instructed him to pay a kollel yungerman to be his chavrusa. That way, he’d be sure to show up (since he’s paying him) and they’d have a good seder together.

If you can’t afford to pay a chavrusa, you have to find a serious kollel where there is a ruach of learning that you can join. It’s very hard to do it on your own, but if there is a good ruach of learning you will find that learning is actually quite enjoyable.

You can succeed in your learning after kollel if you are determined. Don’t fall for daf yomi, that is the easy way out. It is also most likely to result in total failure. Establish for yourself clear goals and stick to them. By making a serious seder, your entire day becomes transformed, and you will feel very good about yourself.

(Editor’s note: There is a very good alternative to Daf Yomi for those who wish to finish shas. Sender Dolgin of Lakewood, himself a baal habayis, discovered a breakthrough way to learn vast quantities with a systematic method of learning and reviewing numerous times. You can break up the daily amount learned each day into whatever suits you best. He himself finishes Shas once a year using his system. It is called “Chaburas Shas” and you can call 732-364-6282 for more information and a free chart, or you can visit him in Beis Medrash Kol Shimshon on Squankum Rd. during most hours of the day.)

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Day # 3 – Open Communication with Your Wife

aaron — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 03:49:26 +0000

After you established your own goals and priorities and bolstered your spiritual faith, its time to work on the most important person in your life – and that would be your wife.

Leaving kollel often places a huge stress on your shalom bayis. First of all, there is the turmoil that you are facing, which tends to make you irritable and unpleasant to be around. But secondly, as men try to figure out where they are headed in life, they tend to leave their wives out of the decision making process, which is disastorous to a relationship.

Shlomo Hamelech writes in Eishes Chayil (Mishlei 31:11): “Her husband’s heart relies on her, and he shall lack no fortune.” The simple meaning of this passuk seems to be saying that decisions such as these are best if they are made in conjunction with her. Although it may seem that she doesn’t understand the dynamics of kollel and the guilt of leaving (or the feeling of waking up every day feeling unfulfilled), you should still have that heart to heart discussion.

You are bound together by marriage, so its no use trying to imagine otherwise. You share everything, and so the most important decisions that you make in your life should be with her input, advice, and considerations.

Are you perhaps afraid that she won’t approve of you after you “spill the beans”? By being honest and open with her, you get much more than her approval. You will be cementing the foundations of your marriage and relationship, which will serve you well as you step out into the uncertainty and turmoil of life outside kollel.

The short term gain of not telling her is way overshadowed by the irreparable harm you are causing by not telling her. If you are going to be successful in business and in life, you have to be willing to do the right things – even when they are uncomfortable.

So stand up, be a man, and do the right thing. Schedule some quiet time with her, and unburden your heart to her. You’ll feel so much better when you do, and you will reap the rewards for a long time to come.

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Day # 2 – Your Relationship with Hashem

aaron — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:47:04 +0000

These special days are very well suited to improving your relationship with Hashem, especially with regard to the issue of so-called “leaving learning” and going to work.

It’s the time of the year that we put our matters in order, and sort out who we are and what we are supposed to be doing. It’s when we reevaluate our performance in life up to this point, and attempt to make positive changes going forward.

First of all, you are about to create lots of turmoil in your life. As you step out from the relative calm that is kollel into the fast-paced world that we all live in, life is about to get a lot more complicated, at least in the short run. If you aren’t careful, you can easily trip up and have what’s called a “yireeda” in ruchniyos. As you leave kollel to start working, you will find that “spare time” doesn’t exist anymore. Bein Hazmanim becomes a thing of the past, and late morning rises are now history.

It’s time to make serious commitments to your yiddeshkeit. Davening, learning, giving tzedaka, these are all matters that need to be addressed now, before you are in the thick of things. Now that things are new and fresh, the commitments you have in place will be more likely to hold.

Secondly, there is no better time than now. Aseres Yemei Tshuva is a special time of rachamim (see Rabeinu Yona Shaarei Tshuva 2:5). It’s when Hashem pays close attention to our tefillos. Since you are embarking on an uncertain and unsettling path in life, you are bound to need lots of Siyata Dishmaya. And there is no better time than now to request it.

Leaving kollel can actually bring you closer to Hashem. You are starting life on your own, taking responsibility into your own hands. Your parnossah is no longer dependent on other people, it is coming directly from Him through the actions that you are taking. He is your provider, and by fully recognizing that fact, your ruchniyos will grow even stronger.

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Day # 1 – Looking into Yourself

aaron — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:37:39 +0000

Before anything, a person has to look into himself. Clear up the myths and misconceptions about going to work by sorting own your own thoughts, emotions, and objectives.

Most people think that going to work is all about money. If you need money, and you don’t have family to support you, then you must go to work.

If that is your only motivation for leaving kollel to go work, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Money by itself is a lousy motivator, since money by itself does nothing for a person. When a person’s drive to work is only for money, he will likely seek out the quickest way to earn the most money. Greediness is a recipe for financial ruin, jail, or both. (If you don’t believe me, just ask Bernie Madoff.)

So what should be a person’s motivation? A person needs money to provide for himself and his family’s needs. But instead of money being the motivation, one should put his family’s needs front and center. There is nothing more courageous and noble than a man taking the reins of responsibility away from the reluctant parents and / or wife that was holding them until now, into his own hands.

But there is a deeper side to leaving kollel and going to work. It is about self fulfillment. When a person feels unfulfilled, they don’t make for a good husband or father. His learning suffers, and he suffers a silent death each day that goes by without accomplishment.

Staying in kollel by itself is not a mitzvah – it’s only the learning that a person does that is worth anything. If you are feeling unfulfilled, and after speaking it over with friends and mentors you still feel that way, leaving kollel is not just a financial decision. It is a “life decision,” something that is very much appropriate to be considered during these holiest days of the year, when matters of life and death are being decided.

It’s not about the money. It’s all about you. Are you taking care of your family? Are you feeling fulfilled? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself. Especially during these special days of Tshuva.

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