Lost in Kollel » Uncategorized

“Sorry, But We Only Know the Best Doctors…”

aaron — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:21:20 +0000

Frum people generally have an obsession with using only the very best doctors. Wherever in the country a specialist is to be found, frum people will travel to them. Cleveland, Rochester, Dallas, Boston, and Los Angeles are just a few of the cities with top quality hospitals, and all of them will host many a frum family that find themselves there in need of medical care.

Our community is blessed with wonderful medical referral services that operate free of charge to the community. ECHO, MRA, Refuah Resources, and Relief, are a few of these that provide information and invaluable access to top notch doctors and specialists.

However, many patients who need medical care do not have the best insurance, and many of these specialists do not take their insurance. Some specialists don’t take any insurance, requiring a huge expense for the patient who needs their care. Medical costs are skyrocketing, with typical fees way out of the budget for many families.

I challenge ECHO & all the other organizations that provide these wonderful referral services for our community – help us in more ways than one. Take not only the medical professionalism and experience of the doctor, but also the financial ability of the patient to afford the doctor fees and costs. If there is another choice of doctor that accepts insurance more readily, mention them. Patients should not automatically be forced to spend money they don’t have when there are often times an acceptable alternative.

Of course, in a question of life and death, the most qualified doctor must be seen, regardless of the cost. But on many matters that require the care of a specialist, a decent choice of doctors with more lenient insurance options should be researched and referred to for the benefit of our community.

Visiting a doctor, when needed, should not have to force a struggling family to pay money that they can’t afford. Especially when a qualified alternative was available at a fraction of the cost.

Bookmark and Share

The Lust to Be in Power

aaron — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:13:50 +0000

It’s a real thing. People love being in control. Some people who you’d think have it all have demonstrated that being in power is the ultimate desire.

We can’t understand it, because we don’t have that kind of money. But apparently for those who do, all the money doesn’t provide happiness. Only being in control, power, and the ability to shape what is arguably the most important city in the world is what keeps this man satisfied.

Oh, and by the way – he gets his way. Everyone said back in ’01 that he couldn’t win, but he proved otherwise. Everyone said he couldn’t govern a city on the verge of financial ruin, and he turned it around. Everyone said he couldn’t get reelected, and he won by a landslide. And now that he was facing term limits, he got the city council to overturn them so he could rule the city for another 4 years.

He realized something that many of us tend to forget. Its not what you have that makes a person worth anything, its what you do with what you have. Everyone of us has something special in them, a unique talent that makes them most qualified to do something with their life. While you are in kollel, its difficult to bring out that special quality. When you are forced to fend for yourself in the world, your competitive spririt brings out those hidden talents.

Deep inside all of us, that spirit lies locked away, hoping to be released. And nothing, not even all the money in the world, can satisfy its desire to come out and achieve its purpose.

Bookmark and Share

Frum Publications Obsession with Kollel Life

aaron — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 01:11:26 +0000

Have you ever picked up a Yated or Mishpacha lately?

It seems that these and other frum publications are obsessed with kollel and its impact on people’s lives, such as parnossah, shalom bayis, in-laws relationships, and anything else.

In the Yated, the Readers Write is full of letters that are both for (hardly any) and against (more common) kollel support, a topic which can never have enough said about it.

Mishpacha tends to write about in their serial novels, which are a frum woman’s kosher version of romance novels. In the past year alone, there have been 4 different serials about kollel life. One novel was about a kollel couple who was overly supported by one side of parents, and the husband gets caught up with online gambling and loses all of his chassuna money and almost gets divorced. The novel became so popular (and controversial) that it was turned into a book!

Then there was one about one guy in the family of fine kollel men who went to work (gasp!), was always made to feel inferior, and had to “prove” his worthiness in order to be considered “one of them”.

Even now, Mishpacha is running a serial about a kollel yungerman (the best one in the kollel!) who starts losing interest in his learning and yiddeshkeit, which is causing his life and wife to fall apart.

What does all this obsession tell us? One thing is for certain – that kollel is on the forefront of issues we are facing as a community. It is clear that kollel is here to stay, but it also clear that it is tearing us up, both with the financial stress on the parents and wives, and the societal pressures facing young couples that is so prevelant today, especially in Lakewood. (more on that in another post)

What will be the outcome? We can’t predict the future. One thing though, is certain. Stay tuned for yet another kollel novel out of Mishpacha magazine.

Bookmark and Share

Stuck in Kollel Mediocrity

aaron — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:45:30 +0000

As a whole, people are obsessed with exceptionalism. Whether its Gadlus BaTorah, or lehavdil, the world’s record holder for high diving, we glorify amazing feats accomplished by really amazing people. There is something captivating when a person, who on the surface appears to be just like you and me, is able to accomplish great feats.

But us regular people find refuge in mediocrity (definition). Its safe to be plain. It doesn’t take much work to be medicore. It doesn’t need any talent. It doesn’t require you to change. It seems so secure to sit and plan the next 5, 10, 15 years of your life imagining that they will be the same way they are now.

Why relegate exceptionalism to others? They were regular people until they decided to do something amazing. They applied themselves without fail to their goal. They applied themselves with diligence, passion, and yes, obsession. They embraced change, and realized full well that they would not be in the same place next week or next year. And one day they found themselves standing at the goal, with a crowd of mediocre admirers lauding their exceptional achievment.

If you feel that by staying in kollel you can do exceptional things, by all means, please stay. The world needs more such people. Finish Shas, tackle Yerushalmi, write a sefer, become a posek. But if all you will be is mediocre, get out while you can. As Seth says so eloquently, mediocrity will not get you anywhere. Find where you can be exceptional, and go there.

Bookmark and Share

Emotional Power of Balancing the Checkbook

aaron — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 02:47:23 +0000

There are three kinds of families in the frum world: 1) Those where the husband balances the checkbook. 2) Those where the wife balances the checkbook. 3) Those where no one balances the checkbook.

My guess is that most families belong to the third group.

When you balance the checkbook, every penny that gets spent must be accounted for. Raising a frum family is not cheap by any stretch. Tuition, mortgage, simchos, clothing, kosher food, summer vacations, day camp, sleep away camp, etc. That is why most families belong to the third group. Ignorance feels good while it lasts. It hurts to see the balance fall negative month after month with no relief in sight.

But when you take the time to go through your finances, a wave of emotion comes over you. Sometimes it is fear, sometimes it is panic, and sometimes it is an awakening. You get to realize how important it is to boost your income to cover all the necessary expenses of life. Everyone needs that wake up call, and most choose not to participate in it.

If you are considering leaving kollel due to financial pressures, do balance your checkbook. Look ahead two or three years, and you will see how your expenses will only be going higher. If you had any doubts about kollel as a long term occupation, you will be forced to align them with the fact that ultimately, the checkbook has to be balanced.

Bookmark and Share

Do Chassidim Have a Kollel Problem?

aaron — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:46:42 +0000

Generally speaking, by Chassidim there is no kollel problem. They strongly believe in the novel idea that men should earn a living, and the women should stay at home with the children. However, there are signs of change. At a recent meeting of Roshei Kollel in Boro Park, there was a request by many Chassidishe Rabbonim to enforce within each kollel a policy that no one should be allowed to own a cell phone with text messaging capabilities.

One of the Roshei Kollel present wondered, “What is wrong with text messaging? Doesn’t it save time?” To which they responded that some people find it less embarrassing to send inappropriate message than to say it in person. The Rosh Kollel was flabbergasted. “Certainly such people don’t belong in kollel in the first place. Why do we need to make takanos for people that anyways don’t belong in kollel?” They answered, “You are absolutely right, they don’t belong in kollel. But what can we do, the wives want them to be there.”

The lure of Kollel has officially spread from the Litvisheworld to the Chassidim.

Bookmark and Share

Shavuos – Be the Shepherd Not the Flock

aaron — Thu, 28 May 2009 04:15:41 +0000

Yes, I know that Shavuos is the time for Kabbolas HaTorah. Learning in Kollel is the ultimate Kabbolas HaTorah where one “throws from upon himself all the cheshbonos horabim which others seek…” (Rambam, end of Hil. Shmitta), I’ve heard this many times during my life.

Shavuos is also the yahrtzeit of Dovid Hamelech. There are many things that we can learn from Dovid HaMelech which are so very applicable in today’s age.

Dovid was a shepherd. A shepherd leaves society and goes to lead a flock of sheep. Sheep, by their very nature, are followers. Each one does exactly what the next one is doing, whether or not it makes sense or reason. Shepherds, on the other hand, are there to protect the sheep from themselves. If one sheep strays too far, the entire flock will follow. The shepherd is there to prevent the followers from destorying themselves.

Dovid HaMelech was a fearless leader, one who stood in the forefront of his nation and ensured that they stayed loyal to Hashem and the Torah. When it was time to fight battles, he did not shirk his leadership but instead went out in front of the armies to attack the enemy. When there were breaches in the conduct of his people, he did not fail to rebuke them or stand up to them, without regard to his political standing.

The Brisker Rav in Parshas Chayei Sara notes that Dovid HaMelech is an example of R’ Shimon bar Yochai’s approach to how a yid should conduct his life, relying solely on Hashem for sustenance. It follows then, that being a leader does not contradict being fully reliant on Hashem. On the contrary, it makes it much easier. If one is a follower, his faith is more strongly based on the next person than towards Hashem.

How can you be a leader? The answer is simple: Don’t be a follower. Stop doing things just because everyone else is. Stop tripping over the other guy. If you feel like doing something – and you honestly feel that its right – do it. You’ll feel so liberated after doing so.

Example: When everyone is lining up by Mendel Rabinowitz’s house with their lulavim and esrogim for his “approval ratings”, why not just skip it? Be a leader – and decide that your own decison is good enough for you, thank you very much.

Bookmark and Share

Why Presidents Are Good Excercisers

aaron — Thu, 14 May 2009 04:13:38 +0000

The past 4 presidents of the United States, although very different one from the other, they did have one thing in common – they made sure to exercise. They were avid exercisers before and during their stay in the White House. I always wondered if there was any significance to it, but then it hit me.

It’s not that Presidents get to do exercise, but rather its exercisers who get to become presidents.

Most people let life happen to them. They find themselves in a community, in a job, in a kollel, and they let life roll along. Very seldom do people happen to their lives, do something to change their situation. That is why only 16% of people in the US exercise regularly, compared with 80% who watch TV regularly.

People who exercise go against the tide. They don’t let life just happen to them. They do what it takes to improve their life, even if it means for some temporary discomfort. And then they get to reap the benefits of their labor – by having a healthy and happier life.

That is what characterizes a leader. One who does not let things just slide into place, he can lead a country. It is not a coincidence that presidents are good exercisers. Actually, it would be very unlikely for it to be any other way.

If you are committed to making a lifestyle change, prove it to yourself that you can get up and happen to your life instead of life happening to you. Can you do it? Certainly! How do you prove it? Start an exercise program that you stick to for 2 months. When you have kept it up and lost 15 lbs., you will feel good about your ne fitness as well as the knowledge that you are not just sticking around and waiting for life to happen.

Bookmark and Share

The True Value of a Job

aaron — Mon, 11 May 2009 03:50:01 +0000

When it comes to consider the choice between starting your own business vs. looking for a job, many different issues come to mind.
Women, as a whole, don’t earn as much as their male counterparts. This is referred to in the world as the “glass ceiling,” which Hillary Clinton boasted in her concession speech that she takes the credit for having made 18 million cracks in it.
But in truth, there is no glass ceiling. A person’s salary is completely dependent on their value that they offer the entity that employs them. And a woman generally brings less value to a business than her male counterpart.

Your ability to provide for your family does not rest upon you being granted with a high paying job. It rests in your ability to bring value to your place of employment. That value can come in the form of brains, it can come in the form of a skill, it can come in the form of what you can do, or it comes in the form of what you can sell.

Your job is to prove to the people that hold the “keys” to a job the value that you can bring them. Only then can you demand a certain salary and actually deserve it. That is the way to succeed in business and in life, by being a source of value wherever you are. You won’t need favors to get a job, and you won’t find yourself as the nuch-schlepper that everyone feels is getting a handout. You are getting paid what you are actually worth, and the investment the boss is making in you is being repaid by real value that you are providing in return.

Bookmark and Share

Defining Your Specialty

aaron — Fri, 01 May 2009 15:00:29 +0000

A successful exit strategy from kollel requires that you have a good answer to the inevitable question, “So what are you going to do?” A career path is absolutely necessary both for parnossa and for your emotional well-being.

A striking feature of all highly paid careers is that they are a specialty. A specialist doctor can charge 3x more for a visit than an ordinary one. An attorney with a specialty in a certain field will be highly sought after by anyone with that need.

Given the interconnectivity that exists in today’s world, there no longer exists a need for generalists. Why settle for subpar quality from a general practitioner when someone else who specializes in your need is only a plane ride, phone call, or a click away? On the other hand, if you are a specialist, demand for your specialty increases exponentially as the size of the market you can service is almost limitless.

In learning, this is also true. With our overabundance of reference seforim, anyone can find whatever has been said on any particular topic without too much trouble. So how does one excel in learning? By being a specialist in a particular field, one becomes the one who “owns” that topic.

There is something that you can specialize in. Something that only you are uniquely qualified for, that can define who you are and “what you do”. It’s only a matter of discovering what that is. It’s no longer enough to become just an accountant, just a lawyer, just an insurance salesman. Those positions don’t pay enough, they don’t offer stability, and most of all – they are not emotionally rewarding. Choose better for yourself. Discover your inner specialty and become overwhelmingly successful.

Bookmark and Share