His Business is Failing, But he Has 5 Son-in-Laws in Kollel
There is a very fine person in our shul who is always learning, helping others, and supporting himself with his work. He was successful many years in business, but lately his business has declined considerably.
He has 5 married daughters, each of them being fully supported by him. That means some of them have been married for 10+ years and are receiving more than 75% of their annual income from him. He continues to do provide for them, although it is a great strain for him. Plus there are more children coming up for marriage in the near future.
His sons-in-law have a choice. They can either continue taking the money, realizing that although it is coming with great difficulty, he is somehow managing to dig up the funds. And after all, isn’t this what he accepted upon himself? Or they can realize what a burden this must be to him, and make immediate plans to relieve him from this unbearable load. Instead of one person supporting 5 families + his own, each of them can take responsibility for their own family, allowing him to focus on getting his finances back in shape.
As an outsider, most people would of course say that the second way is right. However, when you are the son in law faced with this decision, it’s all too easy to default to the first choice. Who in their right mind would willingly tear apart their lives and force themselves into the unknown, just for the sake of someone else? It takes a real man, a caring person, a mentsch, to see the truth and do the right thing.
As parents, how would you want your children to decide? Most people would want their sons in law to do the right thing, as uncomfortable as it may be. If so, use this scenario as a measuring stick when your children are in shidduchim. Is this boy someone who would willingly forgo his support and lifestyle should things become too hard for you to manage? If the answer is no, perhaps it would be wise to give him a pass, even if he just so happens to be the biggest lamdan in Lakewood.
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Filed Under: Parental Support
The concept of learning full time and being supported by the community is a relatively new concept.
All the gedolim of our past also earned their own parnasa.
The current system is unsustainable and also supports an autocracy rather than a meritocracy. In the end, only wealthy families will be able to continue to support full time learning.
i work in hitech in israel. i know someone here who lives in Beitar, and now works part time to support his family. I commend him. He was telling me how difficult it was to transition from Kollel to working, and considered it a traumatic experience for him. It took me a little bit, but i guess i could understand him. big transition – lots of nisyonos. At the same time however, i kept thinking if this was someone who was nervous about the nisyonos, or perhaps he didn’t want to leave his cushy, comfortable, secluded and easy-to-live lifestyle of kollel. I know the money isn’t there, but the vacation time, family time, lack of “work related stress” are all “occupational hazards” of Kollel that i wouldn’t mind having. Sometimes one has to ask themselves if its the learning they want to stay in, or the cushy, lots of vacation time lifestyle that they adore.
he is going to need to tell his Sons in law to get jobs. If the money is not there its not there, and you can’t magically make it appear.