How NOT to Support Your Kids
There are a few different ways of doing kollel support. Some are better than others, but then there is the type that is just plain stupid, and also very harmful to the family who is being supported.
A well known g’vir had been supporting his son-in-law and daughter for over 20 years by simply giving them a checkbook that did not have to be balanced. Meaning, they would be able to write checks without having to worry if there was enough money in the account, because there always was enough. They were able to shop for food, clothing, seforim, furniture, even take the family to Eretz Yisroel for Yom Tov, without having to account for a thing.
This son-in-law once related to a close friend, “I don’t know what it means to pay an electric bill. I never paid one in my life.” Of course he mailed the check to the utility company. He just meant that the money came out of an account that he did not see, did not know, and quite frankly, didn’t care much about.
That is, until six months ago. Six month’s ago, his father in law’s business got zapped by the economic downturn. He informed his son-in-law that the “account” from which the checks were drawn was being closed. No further explanation was necessary. They were being placed “on their own” after being on the draw for over 20 years.
The problem is not that the support stopped so abruptly. The problem is not that he is refusing to continue supporting them after 20 years. The real problem here is that the father of this family hasn’t a clue on how to manage money. Imagine a 45 year old with no idea on how to pay a light bill, where to get money to buy clothing, and how to pay the mortgage.
Add to that his daughter just turned 18 years old. Weddings are just around the corner. And he hasn’t a clue on how he is going to pay for them. Since he always lived comfortably, the velt (and shadchanim) will expect him to be generous with support and chasusna expenses.
The final word: Unless the father in law’s money comes back really quick, their family would have been better off had they not lived off his support all these years. Then they at least would have a clue.
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Filed Under: Parental Support
This story reminds me so much of a story in my own extended family. My father has been married to a lovely, generous and well to do woman for the past ten years. Or rather, she was well to do til the current economic crisis. She has supported her son and his wife and 5 children in Yerushalayim their entire married lives. She has purchased apartments for each of the children when they were married. The father of the family, her 50 year old son, is learning full time and has been successful and conscientious in doing so. But he has never earned a living, never had to, and has no marketable skills. His wife also has never worked and this is not something she wants to do.
Now my stepmother can’t afford to buy an apartment for the 3rd child who just got married so they have to rent. But he promised the other side $75,000 toward an apartment, nonetheless, which his stepmother cannot pay and he cannot pay. What to do?
Luckily, my stepmother bought her son a round trip ticket to America so he can collect. Collect money, I mean. With our hometown as a base, he collected from city to city, Lakewood, Monsey, Baltimore, Brooklyn. He was very successful with this trip as he speaks perfect English and is a gentleman, as my father described him.
I don’t know what the moral of this story is, or if there is one. I guess there’s always something a man can do, short of going to work.
Chana Esther
The mlral of the story eludes me too. Kollel support is required by Torah, not by the shadchen or the avreich. If the supporter runs into economic trouble, it’s Hashem’s way of saying that he played his cards wrong. Why should Torah suffer?