Is Kollel a Contributer to Kids at Risk?
Recently, I had the opportunity to question Rabbi Yakov Horowitz of Monsey, who is known for his work with teens at risk within our community. My question was – Is there a higher incidence of kids at risk with kollel families than from the general community? Some of the reasons why there would be a higher occurrence in kollel families could perhaps be due to the tight financial situations faced by most families whose fathers learn full time in kollel, thereby causing children to perhaps feel materially deprived. Another contributing factor could be when those kollel yungerleit who find themselves feeling unfulfilled, that feeling can pass through to the children and give them a negative attitude towards learning and yiddeshkeit in general.
He replied that those people who learn in kollel and have simchas hachayim generally have good kids. However, he referred me to a recent article of his regarding internet and kids at risk. There, he points out the five of the most common contributing factors why children abandon a Torah lifestyle. He granted me permission to republish his thoughts here:
If I were asked al regel achas (“on one foot”) to list the Top Five causes of kids going off the derech, they would be, in order:
1. Child abuse/molestation/neglect
2. Lack of simchas ha’chayim/shalom bayis at home
3. Poor parenting or overbearing parents
4. Undiagnosed or unaddressed learning disabilities.
5. Extremism (lack of flexibility in raising children and forcing them into the same mold)
According to Rabbi Horowitz, many of these factors can be directly linked to the parents’ lack of career/livelihood. Shalom bayis is negatively impacted when finances are tight, and if the husband is feeling unfulfilled due to a lack of occupation. Learning disabilities can be worked upon, if money is available to pay for the professional remediation.
So while kollel is not necessarily a direct cause of causing children to stray, the side effects of a poorly executed kollel life plan (hint: staying in kollel longer than one should) can bring about situations which are high at risk to breed children at risk.
Devoting your life to full time learning is a great sacrifice. But it must be done in a way that one doesn’t sacrifice his own children in the process.
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Filed Under: Limud HaTorah
Hi. I stumbled across your site while trying to get time/location information for a Kollel dinner I am to attend tonight. At first I was intrigued- I myself learned in Kollel and Yeshiva for the first 8.5 years of marriage before leaving to work about 1.5 years ago. I thought I might find some intelligent, thoughtful consideration of the topic, however -as is the Achille’s Heel of too many bloggers- you seem just to have an agenda against “the system.” No, it doesnm’t work for everyone, and may not even be ideal for he vast majority of those in it. You’re not breaking any new ground with this revelation. What I found transparent was today’s post (which was the first I encountered; it lays the aforementioned agenda out in plain sight of the observant reader: You asked Rabbi Horowitz a question (Does the Kollel lifestyle contribute to a higher incidence of Kids at Risk?). In a nutshell, he answered you accurately and succinctly: NO! You then spend several paragraphs finessig and manipulating his very straight-forward answer to vaguely resemble the point you are determined to make. “Well, he said Shalom Bayis… And Parnassah concerns lead to Shalom Bayis issues… And an unfulfilled husband can also lead to Shalom Bayis issues… And with no money they won’t be able to address learning disabilities… Etc…” But he never said that! You are editorializing, and highly unconvincingly at that. What about the son-in-law of a welathy family who has plenty of money? What about the Yungerman who is deeply fulfilled by his Sedarim? Of course there are answers to these questions- and follow-up questions to those answers; however, by relying lazily on conjecture, your article loses the depth and insight it needs. Sorry- I don’t mean to carry on; perhaps I’m just disappointed because the Kollel-Work transition is one that desperately needs more discussion and perspective than it gets. It would help many muddling through that phase. Good luck in the future; feel free to respong via the e-mail address I provided if you’re so inclined.
The connection between the root causes of children at risk and those faced by most kollel families were not my own, they are from Rabbi Horowitz – see the article on his website which is linked to in the main post.
I am not C”V trying to throw kollel out the window altogether. I am just trying to open up eyes about the problems that exist, and how one can make a change for the better if they really want to.
The one point you overlooked is that it can be just as unfulfilling to spend your years working in a job that only gets you to middle class and is not stimulating. A person feeling not fulfilled in kollel is unlikely to be in a better mood making 30,000-70,000, in a job they don’t find exciting, without a sense of purpose.
The absense of adequate money can cause much distress and alleviating that shortfall can reduce that stress but money doesn’t contribute much to happiness, once basic needs are met.