Kollel Support Even After Divorce?
Sometimes you hear a story that shocks you so badly you can’t believe it to be true. But when it happens to close people you know, it becomes even more difficult to believe.
Yes, it is the norm that young men are supported by their parents and in-laws during their first years of marriage while the husband spends his days learning full time in kollel. It is a sacrifice the parents make to allow their children to be able to devote themselves to learning. It goes without saying that the children in turn show appreciation for their parents sacrifice on their behalf.
However, unfortunately for the majority of those who do truly appreciate their parents devotion and sacrifice, there are those few young men who seem to feel otherwise. In their minds, the parents of the girl should have to pay them just for the honor of them choosing to marry their daughter.
Here is a recent example of this phenomenon:
A young kollel couple in Lakewood had been married for just a few months. Their marriage was not going well, and eventually the wife, left her husband and moved back in with her parents. After consultation with marriage counselors, rabbonim etc. the outcome was clear – the marriage could not be saved. It was agreed upon by both sides to swiftly end the marriage and “move on”.
That was until the husband made his intentions known- that is if the woman wants a Get, her father must pay him off before he gives her one. Just for the privilege of receiving a Get – which he is anyways obligated to give her – he demanded money.
This selfish, obnoxious demand could only come from an attitude that “I deserve this money.” He never saw his father-in-law’s sacrifice to support him while he learned as a sacrifice. Had he truly felt that way, and had his father also felt that way when he “negotiated” the shidduch of his son, they never could have brought themselves to demand money from the helpless father. Because they felt that the support was “coming to us”, they were able to justify making such a ridiculous demand.
At the divorce proceedings, when the woman’s father handed over the cash to the boy’s father, one of her brothers called out, “You will one day have to give a chesbon for every dollar.” The boy’s father made believe he didn’t hear them. So the brother made sure to call out again, this time a little louder – “You will have to give a din v’cheshbon on every dollar!”
Are we listening to this story? Yes, the boy and his father will have to give a cheshbon on every dollar. But are we taking to heart the lessons of this incident? It’s time for all of us to realize how out of hand kollel support has become. Demanding support in return for marriage is one thing, but when it is demanded even after divorce, that shows just how broken this system is. It’s time for us to make a cheshbon on every dollar we are giving and receiving, and make sure it’s really justified.
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Filed Under: Parental Support
I’m not sure how this is really related to Kollel. It sounds like a standard case of “Get extortion” to me.
The Wolf
Extortion, yes. But it stems from the attitude that preceded the divorce – “feed me just because I breathe.”
It’s too bad the brother or brothers didn’t go over to the young man’s house one night with a baseball bat and break his kneecaps.
All the outraged commenters need to step back and reconsider. Supporting an avreich isn’t a personal thing that can stop when the personal connection ends. It’s support from us for Torah, from which we derive our wealth to begin with. It makes no difference whether this or that avreich is or was married to my daughter. As long as the avreich is learning and the former shver has wealth beyond bread and water, and according to this story both of those are true, he owes it to this avreich or to some other.
Do you know if the girl had serious issues that crashed the marraige? Did the shver choke the marraige with his purse strings? Because that can happen.
Do you know if the rabbonim advised the boy to demand damages for being schlepped into a marraige with damaged goods? Because that can happen.
Do you know if the boy profited off the deal or was just being made (partially) whole for his families expenses and his near term expenses? Because that might just be the case.
I happen to know the particulars of this case, and the answer to your questions are:
Did the girl have serious issues that crashed the marriage? No.
Did the shver choke the marriage with his purse strings? Absolutely not!
Do you know if the rabbonim advised the boy to demand damages for being shlepped into a marriage with damaged goods? They even told the girl’s father not to give any money simply to not encourage this blackmail in the future!
Do you know if the boy profited off the deal? Of course he did! Yes, he was covering his expenses, but why is that his former father-in-law’s responsibility? That was exactly my point – Does a father in law have to support his son in law even after divorce?
I appreciate your attempts at being dan l’kaf zchus. But at the end of the day, you have to call it what it really is – totally out of hand by all accounts. The boy – and his family – should be ashamed of themselves.