Supporting Kids in Kollel – Are They Really Happy With It?
A common belief among parents of children learning in kollel is that financially supporting them throughout their years of learning is a positive experience. However, that almost always is never the case.
A recent informal study done by Kollel Guy revealed that kollel men who were supported by their parents or in-laws for a period of time have stated that they feel more comfortable and close with their parents or in-laws now when they are not being supported, when compared to the period in which they were receiving support.
This finding, which may seem shocking to some, is not really difficult to explain.
The reason is simple – both the parents and the children don’t really feel that kollel support is an even exchange.
There is an inborn sense of shame when a person receives something for which they (and everyone else) know they are not entitled to. (A case in point: President Obama’s tepid acceptance of the Nobel Peace Prize.)
If parents of kollel members really felt their children deserved their support – which comes at great sacrifice, they wouldn’t resent them. If the kollel families would feel truly deserving of their parents’ support, they wouldn’t have any shame or guilt in accepting their support. Instead, there is this lopsided twist to the relationship, where the parents feel they are giving for no good reason and the children feel they are taking without really deserving it.
Since the kollel family has no other means of surviving, the mess continues on and gets progressively worse.
You may counter, “But isn’t supporting a young family while the husband learns the greatest thing one can do with money?” Yes, if it is being given (and taken) truly with those intentions. When those giving the support feel they are getting an equal (*or greater*) value in exchange.
How can you tell if you have the proper perspective on kollel support? Here’s an easy test: Assume you had an extra $15,000 a year. What would you do with that money? Would you use it to support your hard-working-but-not-rich neighbor’s kids in kollel, or would you treat yourself to a new sheitel / vacation / kitchen remodel? Most people would choose the latter. Why? Because even though supporting Torah is great, let someone else have that opportunity.
Two friends of mine, who received kollel support in the early years of their marriage, when asked what they would do if they won the lottery, both said the same thing. “We would take all the money our parents / in-laws ever gave us, and give it all back to them. Thanks, but no thanks.”
Parents – realize that your children are also not thrilled with the notion that they are being supported by their parents, sometimes at great personal sacrifice and with great strain.
Children – If your parents are giving without “getting back” their money’s worth, its time to call it quits. There is nothing more miserable than living off parents who are begrudgingly parting with their money. Prove to them, and to yourself, that you really can do it on your own.
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Filed Under: Parental Support
There’s a lot of narcissism in this article. It asks whether the sides are personally happy or believe they are getting their money’s worth. It ignores the fact that the learning of kollel men sustains the world. If there are parents who would endanger the world for a new sheitl, then their chinuch has failed badly.
There’s a lot of self importance in this comment. The very name “loyal Jew” says it all – a very self important monicker. Accusing others of selfishness is a winning, if manipulative, tactic. If the learning of kollel men sustains the world, that begs the question: how many kollel men is necessary to sustain the world, and does one have a choice whether to sustain the world, or is it up to self proclaimed “loyal Jews” to decide for everyone else that if they choose not to be supported in kollel, they are selfish?
Chances are the kids get into the arrangement without thinking about whether they’ll like it that way, and the parents agree to it because overall they want to help the kids and value what they’re doing.
I disagree that the aura of dependency, which produces the awkwardness on both sides, is an indicator that either side feels the arrangement isn’t a worthy one. Rather I think it adds a greater complexity to being a good parent, to guide everyone through that period while newly kids gain independence yet are quite tied to the apron (or purse) strings.
It would be the same if parents were supporting their kids through grad school. The difference perhaps is that the exit strategy and long-term expectations are clearly defined by graduation dates and job prospects.
Nobody is putting a gun to the parent or the in-laws head.If they want to support the kollel man I believe they have made a wise investment.If not that is their choice and only they have a right to make it.A true kollel man is not a parasite.We only breathe,eat and drink in his zchus.He deseves better than to be denigrated.How come there is no site about the fraud who goes to work for $50,000 a year,has a luxury car,beautiful home,a new model SUV in their driveway,have huge yeshiva bills for their kids.They do moftim better than the Talmedei Chachmim in kollel.All that at age 25 or 26?Thats funny.I still can’t figure out when they had the time to make that type of dough.Yes the beauty of work and labor.The problem is that these “working “men didn’t work for what they have.They use their parent like ATMs so why all the targeting of kollel people?Pure kinah.