Breaking the news to others seems very hard to do. There is a false feeling of failure when you tell them you are leaving kollel. Really though, the challenge is not over, it is taking a new form.

Here’s how you go about with the announcement. The first person you speak to about your decision is your wife. Get her feedback , hear her out, and geniunely validate her concerns. She may be worried about parnossa, about what her friends and family will think, and about all the hashkafa she heard about kollel during her years in high school and seminary. Listen to her well, and be wise. If you force your decision upon her suddenly you will lose a valuable ally and support system during this transition process. Here is your chance to strengthen your marriage as well as making sure you have a strong partner as you prepare to go on the tough road ahead.

After you have your wife on board, its time to do get da’as torah. As mentioned earlier, most if not all Roshei Yeshiva are very supportive of kollel yungeleit going to work. They know most people cannot spend their life exclusively in the beis medrash, so they will be very encouraging of your decision.

(However, they will not decide this for you – if you are still unsure they will leave you hanging and you will be disappointed. It has to be your decision. If in doubt, go back to step 1.)

After speaking it over with your da’as torah, you will be able to inform friends and family. Their reaction will probably be more positive than you think, since most likely they were worried about you.

Now that you have “come out” with your decision, its not likely you will turn back. Now it’s time to get working on what you are going to do after you leave.

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However, one must be very careful when presenting the issue that he does so in an open and straightforward manner. Why is this so?

From my experience in interviewing many friends and acquaintances who went through the gut wrenching process of departing from kollel, there are many pitfalls to be avoided at all costs when presenting the matter to a higher authority.

First of all, it is very important to be open and honest about your feelings. Its not time to act self righteous or make believe you are something that you aren’t. If you do, you will be causing the advice giver to err in his response to you, since he will be basing it off an erroneous assesment of where you are holding.

Second of all, it is crucial that he hears your wife’s side of the story. The best situation would be if she could come and speak for herself and present her feelings about this issue, but that is not always so practical. Your wife’s feelings play a major role in the advice he will give you, and most of the time the husband is not fully aware or capable of giving over a true picture of her side of the story.

We have seen time and time again, especially with regards to the issue of when and how to leave kollel, that the response is what the person asking the question wants to hear. The biggest favor you can be doing for both yourself and your choice of daas torah, is to fairly and honestly present your feelings – and your wife’s feelings. That way, the person can hear you out and give you an answer that is the best for you.

Being honest about your feelings is probably the hardest part of this whole process. Work on yourself BEFORE you get advice. Otherwise, you will cause untold harm to yourself and your family.

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A friend of mine who is going through a “career change”, is looking to get involved in a business that provides services to very specific kinds of businesses. Because the program is only of use to very specific kinds of businesses, he doesn’t have too many leads to approach. He asked me to call a relative of mine who works in the medical field to see if he could get some contacts from him. I called the relative, and after just 2 phone calls, I put them in touch with each other, probably resulting in a lucrative deal for my friend. This cost me nothing, and it gave my friend a great boost to his fledgling business.

In a similar story, a friend of mine connected me to a person who agreed to meet with me and offer me valuable business advice. This person runs a multi million dollar business, and I would never have been able to sit down with him and hear his ideas, until the friend of mine made the connection. Funny thing is – he was actually very happy to give me the time, and even offered to be of help whenever I need.

It’s hard to give someone your hard earned money. After all, there are so many things that you could be doing with that money, and giving it to someone else is probably not high on your list. But there are so many people who you could be helping without having to part with money.

Everyone is connected to someone who can help someone else. Networking, the life and blood of all business deals, is very easily accomplished in our community. Who doesn’t know someone who works in the medical supply field, the banking industry, real estate, etc.

Business is constantly evolving, and opportunities are always arising. Chances are, there is someone who you know that can be a great source of help for someone that you know who is trying to get a business started, or a deal through. Instead of shying away, help them by picking up the phone and calling that person for them.

You’ll be doing a tremendous chessed, and the person you are asking will likely be very glad to be of help. And best of all, it won’t cost you a dime.

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Leaving kollel often places a huge stress on your shalom bayis. First of all, there is the turmoil that you are facing, which tends to make you irritable and unpleasant to be around. But secondly, as men try to figure out where they are headed in life, they tend to leave their wives out of the decision making process, which is disastorous to a relationship.

Shlomo Hamelech writes in Eishes Chayil (Mishlei 31:11): “Her husband’s heart relies on her, and he shall lack no fortune.” The simple meaning of this passuk seems to be saying that decisions such as these are best if they are made in conjunction with her. Although it may seem that she doesn’t understand the dynamics of kollel and the guilt of leaving (or the feeling of waking up every day feeling unfulfilled), you should still have that heart to heart discussion.

You are bound together by marriage, so its no use trying to imagine otherwise. You share everything, and so the most important decisions that you make in your life should be with her input, advice, and considerations.

Are you perhaps afraid that she won’t approve of you after you “spill the beans”? By being honest and open with her, you get much more than her approval. You will be cementing the foundations of your marriage and relationship, which will serve you well as you step out into the uncertainty and turmoil of life outside kollel.

The short term gain of not telling her is way overshadowed by the irreparable harm you are causing by not telling her. If you are going to be successful in business and in life, you have to be willing to do the right things – even when they are uncomfortable.

So stand up, be a man, and do the right thing. Schedule some quiet time with her, and unburden your heart to her. You’ll feel so much better when you do, and you will reap the rewards for a long time  to come.

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