Lost in Kollel » kollel support

The Unbearable Stress of Supporting Kids in Kollel

aaron — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 03:56:53 +0000

The most obvious problem with the practice of supporting children in kollel is the great financial and emotional stress it places on their parents.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that a typical Jewish family of 6-7 children making anywhere from $70,000-$140,000 a year cannot afford to give their married children $1200-$2500(!) a month. The math just doesn’t add up. As it is, they struggle to pay their never ending mortgage, tuition and camp expenses for their children living at home. Add to that the existing debts they accrued from making chassunas, and sending the girls to seminary, and you can see how most frum families are being squeezed awfully tight.

Most people would not willingly promise money they don’t have for the sake of someone elses learning. But when it comes to kollel support, they do. Whether they work as accountants, lawyers, dentists, or computer programmers, they are promising sums of money for kollel support that they simply don’t have.

Why do they do this? Simply because they want their daughters to get married. And in today’s society, in order to marry off your daughter you are expected to pay for the mesirus nefesh of your future son-in-law.

That is why most often the support for the kollel couple comes from the girl’s parents, not the boy’s. Because of the great shidduch crisis, there are far more girls than boys on the “market”. That causes an imbalance in the supply and demand of the marketplace, which forces the parents of the girl to “sweeten the deal” by providing the support. In most cases, the motivation for offering the support has nothing to do with the value of the son-in-law’s learning. It is simply a way of getting their daughter married – at all costs.

Even when the cost is too much of a financial burden to bear.

How do they manage to come up with the money? Likely they do so by remortgaging the home, by working years longer than planned, by selling investments and cashing out retirement funds that were put away for their golden years, and by the mothers getting new jobs years after they left the workforce. (A relative of mine tells me of the many middle aged women taking special ed classes in Sara Schnerir together with all the young girls, which creates somewhat of a culture clash.)

Torah is surely a worthy cause to support. But when faced with a stark choice, wisdom must be used to tell us when and how to support Torah. That wisdom should give one the option of putting their own family’s needs first, where it should be.

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Supporting Kids in Kollel – The Harmful Side Effects

aaron — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 04:37:04 +0000

Supporting kids in kollel sounds like a very noble cause. After all, by helping them financially, you are making it possible for them to live in an ideal situation, where the husband can spend his days fully engrossed in learning without worrying about earning a living. Financial support, together with the wife/mother working and some assistance from Uncle Sam are what make it possible for so many kollel couples llving in Lakewood to be able to “stay in learning”.

But people neglect to notice the harmful side effects of support, which are causing great damage to our society which will have grave consequences on us in the not so distant future.

Each one of these side effects require their own post, to give enough attention to the details. I will list the negative consequences here, and detail each one in their own individual posts over the next few weeks.

Financial stress on parents
Peer pressure between couples
Increased burden on women to work longer and harder
Lack of planning for the future
Forces girls to obtain ridiculous degrees for the sake of earning a “good” living
Sour relationships between son-in-law and father-in-law
Adds stress to the already difficult shidduch market
Drains precious financial resources from worthy causes

These negative consequences are so intertwined with each other that they are not really separate. We will explore how the widespread custom of supporting one’s children in kollel is having negative ripple effects through our lives. What began as a noble endeavor has turned ugly, and we must realize how it is negatively affecting all of us before we will do anything about it.

This series will likely evoke strong emotions from many of my readers. There are so many players involved in this – from the parents writing the checks, the couples who cash them, the single girls who long for a shidduch, the children of supported parents, and just about everyone else in our frum non-chassidish society. Everyone has their own opinion about this matter, but I believe that this series will strike a chord with many of you.

Feel free to weigh in with your own thoughts in the comments. After all, this almost certainly affects your life in more ways than one.

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Being Supported in Kollel is Not Free Money

aaron — Thu, 05 May 2011 23:59:28 +0000

Another tragic kollel story:

A 41 year old who learned in Yeshiva in the US and moved to Eretz Yisroel has been sitting and learning in kollel while being supported by his in-laws. They give him $2,000 a month, and he manages to stuggle along.

Of course, the in-laws fly the family in to America for simchas and Yom Tov. At a recent family simcha, the in-laws asked this fellow to speak. He wasn’t comfortable doing so, and he politely refused. The mother-in-law replied, “But we support you! And if you can’t speak, why are we spending so much money on your learning?”

Needless to say, this fellow was devastated.

There are lots of conclusions that can be drawn from this. My take is simply this – is it really worth 2 grand to take money from people who obviously don’t want to give it, and when they do they feel as if they “own” you?

Just remember – there is no such thing as free money. Kollel support is no different. Even Especially when it comes from family.

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Rav Chaim Kanievsky on Buying Seforim with Maaser Money

aaron — Sun, 01 May 2011 20:19:08 +0000

I was recently reviewing a sefer on the halachos of Maaser Kesafim dealing with the different things one can do with his maaser money. There is an opinion in halacha that allows one to purchase seforim with maaser money if he makes them available for public use. The sefer then quoted from Rav Chaim Kanievsky who ruled that in today’s times one should not use maaser money for this as seforim are plentiful and this is not a good use of the money.

It would therefore follow that using maaser money to mass fund kollelim is also not a good use of funds. According to all poskim, the heter to learn and be supported from the tzibbur is only so that Torah should not become forgotten from klal yisroel. [The Rambam is well known for being strongly opposed to any kind of support for learning Torah.] Today, there is no worry that Torah will become forgotten due to the lack of support of Torah institutions. Just the opposite – by encouraging everyone to learn in kollel and not pursue a livelihood, there is a strong possibility that there will be not enough money within the community to sustain the existing Torah institutions in the future – including the vital schools & yeshivas for our children. As Rav Chaim ruled – not always does spending money on Torah justify the use of maaser money. Perhaps this applies to general kollel support as well.

If kollel would be exclusively for those super stars that are actually making a noticeable impact, then kollel would be a good choice for maaser money.

However, if one would truly be concerned about supporting Torah, perhaps leaving kollel and going to work would be the best way to achieve this.

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Is Supporting a Son-in-Law in Kollel an Essential Need?

aaron — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 04:26:04 +0000

When it comes to giving tzedaka, we try to make sure that our money is indeed going for a worthy cause. No one would want to give money for a family that is in “dire straits” only to find out that they used the funds to go to Florida for a vacation.

Making a chassuna is a very expensive undertaking, and can be out of reach for many families. Most people would consider chassuna expenses as being an essential need – one that is worthy of soliciting tzedaka for. It is estimated that over 40% of the total tzedaka raised amongst the frum world is to pay for chassuna expenses.

The question we must ask though, is raising money to pay for someone’s son-in-law to learn in kollel considered an “essential need”? Obviously, if the parents feel like using their own money to support their children, that is a worthy decision. But when the family does not have the means to do so, and tzedaka is being raised on their behalf to pay for “chassuna expenses”, should money be raised for this purpose too?

I raise this question because recently I was asked to help out with the chassuna expenses of a worthy talmid chochom whom I know. I was told that he said to the person raising the money, “I don’t have one penny to make chassuna.” Now this person has B”h a job, his wife has a business, and they make ends meet. Paying the cost of the chassuna and setting up his daughter’s apartment could have been manageable for them, if they were to pay it out over a few years (and which is what most people do).

So why does this wonderful talmid chochom not have “one penny to make chassuna”?

Because aside from the cost of the chassuna, he has obligated himself to support his new son-in-law to the tune of at least $15,000 a year. That money – which will come at great personal sacrifice – is what would have been going to cover chassuna expenses.

Essentially, when contributing to his chassuna expenses, you are really paying for his son-in-law to learn. Which is a worthy cause – though it might not have been the cause you were thinking of.

What are your thoughts?

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Supporting Kids in Kollel – Are They Really Happy With It?

aaron — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 22:19:04 +0000

A common belief among parents of children learning in kollel is that financially supporting them throughout their years of learning is a positive experience. However, that almost always is never the case.

A recent informal study done by Kollel Guy revealed that kollel men who were supported by their parents or in-laws for a period of time have stated that they feel more comfortable and close with their parents or in-laws now when they are not being supported, when compared to the period in which they were receiving support.

This finding, which may seem shocking to some, is not really difficult to explain.

The reason is simple – both the parents and the children don’t really feel that kollel support is an even exchange.

There is an inborn sense of shame when a person receives something for which they (and everyone else) know they are not entitled to. (A case in point: President Obama’s tepid acceptance of the Nobel Peace Prize.)

If parents of kollel members really felt their children deserved their support – which comes at great sacrifice, they wouldn’t resent them. If the kollel families would feel truly deserving of their parents’ support, they wouldn’t have any shame or guilt in accepting their support. Instead, there is this lopsided twist to the relationship, where the parents feel they are giving for no good reason and the children feel they are taking without really deserving it.

Since the kollel family has no other means of surviving, the mess continues on and gets progressively worse.

You may counter, “But isn’t supporting a young family while the husband learns the greatest thing one can do with money?” Yes, if it is being given (and taken) truly with those intentions. When those giving the support feel they are getting an equal (*or greater*) value in exchange.

How can you tell if you have the proper perspective on kollel support? Here’s an easy test: Assume you had an extra $15,000 a year. What would you do with that money? Would you use it to support your hard-working-but-not-rich neighbor’s kids in kollel, or would you treat yourself to a new sheitel / vacation / kitchen remodel? Most people would choose the latter. Why? Because even though supporting Torah is great, let someone else have that opportunity.

Two friends of mine, who received kollel support in the early years of their marriage, when asked what they would do if they won the lottery, both said the same thing. “We would take all the money our parents / in-laws ever gave us, and give it all back to them. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Parents – realize that your children are also not thrilled with the notion that they are being supported by their parents, sometimes at great personal sacrifice and with great strain.

Children – If your parents are giving without “getting back” their money’s worth, its time to call it quits. There is nothing more miserable than living off parents who are begrudgingly parting with their money. Prove to them, and to yourself, that you really can do it on your own.

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Kollel Support Even After Divorce?

aaron — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 04:35:07 +0000

Sometimes you hear a story that shocks you so badly you can’t believe it to be true. But when it happens to close people you know, it becomes even more difficult to believe.

Yes, it is the norm that young men are supported by their parents and in-laws during their first years of marriage while the husband spends his days learning full time in kollel. It is a sacrifice the parents make to allow their children to be able to devote themselves to learning. It goes without saying that the children in turn show appreciation for their parents sacrifice on their behalf.

However, unfortunately for the majority of those who do truly appreciate their parents devotion and sacrifice, there are those few young men who seem to feel otherwise. In their minds, the parents of the girl should have to pay them just for the honor of them choosing to marry their daughter.

Here is a recent example of this phenomenon:

A young kollel couple in Lakewood had been married for just a few months. Their marriage was not going well, and eventually the wife, left her husband and moved back in with her parents. After consultation with marriage counselors, rabbonim etc. the outcome was clear – the marriage could not be saved. It was agreed upon by both sides to swiftly end the marriage and “move on”.

That was until the husband made his intentions known- that is if the woman wants a Get, her father must pay him off before he gives her one. Just for the privilege of receiving a Get – which he is anyways obligated to give her – he demanded money.

This selfish, obnoxious demand could only come from an attitude that “I deserve this money.” He never saw his father-in-law’s sacrifice to support him while he learned as a sacrifice. Had he truly felt that way, and had his father also felt that way when he “negotiated” the shidduch of his son, they never could have brought themselves to demand money from the helpless father. Because they felt that the support was “coming to us”, they were able to justify making such a ridiculous demand.

At the divorce proceedings, when the woman’s father handed over the cash to the boy’s father, one of her brothers called out, “You will one day have to give a chesbon for every dollar.” The boy’s father made believe he didn’t hear them. So the brother made sure to call out again, this time a little louder – “You will have to give a din v’cheshbon on every dollar!”

Are we listening to this story? Yes, the boy and his father will have to give a cheshbon on every dollar. But are we taking to heart the lessons of this incident? It’s time for all of us to realize how out of hand kollel support has become. Demanding support in return for marriage is one thing, but when it is demanded even after divorce, that shows just how broken this system is. It’s time for us to make a cheshbon on every dollar we are giving and receiving, and make sure it’s really justified.

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When Supporting Kids Just Never Stops

aaron — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:14:28 +0000

Reading Mishapacha’s article about the late philanthropist Moshe Saba of Mexico City, I came across something which is sure to be a controversial issue among many of you.

Moshe Saba, who was worth in the hundreds of millions, insisted that his son Alberto work part time. Here is the quote from Mishpacha magazine:

“Last Elul, Alberto [the son] cried to me,” Rav Dovid Yosef says. “He begged me to persuade his father to let him sit in kollel. I don’t need the money that I earn. I want to learn,” he told me.” This wasn’t a new discussion between Alberto and his father, when the issue would come up, the two of them would go to Rav Ovadia, who knew how to carefully dissipate the tension. Moshe wanted his son to be a ben torah, and therefore encouraged him to spend half a day learning. But on the other hand, he didn’t want him to be completely pampered and dependent on his parents.

Money buys many things. But a rich man who became rich through hard work, sweat, and tears, knows that true success is not just being financially well off. He wanted his son to be strong, independent, and courageous. Money is one thing, but being a successful person cannot be bought with dollars.

But what is wrong with learning in kollel for a few years? Surely, someone like Moshe Saba who himself was a talmid chochom of note, would appreciate the value of learning. Why did he not allow his son to learn for a few years and then bring him in to the business?

There are too many well to do families that are supporting their children longer than they anticipated, all in the name of “helping their kids in learning.” It creates a culture of dependency that never stops. How many families are there where they are in their 30s and even 40s, marrying off their kids, that are still dependent on their parent’s support? Moshe felt that while learning is very important, teaching his son “to fish” is even more important.

Is he wrong?

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Kollel Survival During Economic Crisis

aaron — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 02:23:42 +0000

Matzav has a story how some kollelim in Eretz Yisroel attempted to automatically deduct ma’aser from the yungerleit’s checks, saving the kollel 10% during these extremely difficult financial times.

Rav Chaim Kanievsky was quoted as saying that this cannot be considered as a ma’aser contribution, only as a cut in salary, and thus the yungerleit would still be required to contribute another 10% from their (now lowered) checks.

This story underscores the financial crisis mosdos hatorah are facing. However, it is believed that kollel, on the whole, is taking a bigger beating than the rest.

The reason – donors simply feel that when faced with a difficult choice, supporting kollel is of lesser importance

than supporting yeshivos and schools. Children must learn Torah, but yungerleit can go work and support themselves.

The growth of kollelim over the past 25 years has been staggering. Money has flowed into kollel at an uprecendented rate. Now it has slowed dramatically. Throughout the years, the supporters of kollel have not felt their existence as a necessity, only as a nice extra. Now that money is tight, donors feel that their money should be going to more critical needs.

Are their claims valid? To a degree, yes. Regular readers know how we feel about the oversupply of yungerleit that would best be off leaving kollel. However, the institution of kollel is a necessity, not a luxury. We must continue to support kollelim to our utmost ability, while seeking for ways to nudge those that need to leave out.

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Fending for Yourself When Times are Hard

aaron — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:02:29 +0000

For years now, kollel has been indirectly funded primarily by the boom in real estate that so many of our bretheren had investments in. Now that the economy has dried up and real estate prices have gone south, funding for kollel has taken a big hit.

This affects both the kollel stipends themselves, forcing them to deny new enrollment and/or cut existing payouts to their yungerleit. And of course, the major supporters of kollel today, the unsung heros of the generation- our parents – are suffering from layoffs and cutbacks to their incomes.

What happens then?

In the case of the food pantry, the receivers are forced to find new sources of food. Sometimes that means they have to go out and get a job instead of waiting on line for food. Wouldn’t that be a good thing for them? It would reduce the burden of the pantry to continue to feed them for years on end, and it would allow them to respectfully take care of themselves without having to come on to other peoples’ generosity.

Can the same thing be expected to happen with kollel? I believe its already happening. Try to find a kollel that is accepting new applicants these days. Parents whose incomes are being squeezed are forced to cut the support they are giving their children.

What gives? Obviously, some of you will have to find other sources of income. Is that a bad thing? Not if it gives you independent income in an honorable way, and puts you in a position to be able to give to others who need help.

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