Yes, it was an escape, although not in the literal sense of the word.

Don’t get me wrong, if you are learning well in kollel there is no need for an escape. My story is directed at the many who find themselves in kollel by default, just because they are not doing anything else.

I finally realized that my turmoil was a result of my not feeling satisfied and accomplished from my remaining in kollel. It was not a result of my disinterest in learning. But rather, I felt that in order for me to feel worthy and accomplished, I could not just continue learning in kollel with no other “occupation”.

This decision did not come easily, and the transition was somewhat difficult, but it was done. My friends, family, and rebbeim were surprised, but not as upset as I had thought they’d be. (Did I detect a bit of jealousy on their part?)

My experience was B”H very positive. I will chronicle my journey on this blog, and give practical steps for anyone who finds themselves in this predicament.

Be honest with yourself. Why are you still in kollel? Do you have a good reason? Then stay on. But if you are just there because you have nothing else to do, make sure you subscribe to this feed, and read everything on this site. It’s made just for you.

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What is the goal of spending so many years in Kollel?

I am a 29 year old yungerman in Lakewood, having spent 7 years after my chassuna sitting and learning. My wife works like an animal to bring in parnossa, and the rest of our income comes from gifts, some support, and me doing odds and ends jobs here and there.

But this idyllic life is starting to unravel at the seams, as doubts are creeping in, slowly at first, but now they are intensifying like a crashing wave.

What is all this “staying in learning” for anyways?…..

I wish I knew the answer.

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