Lost in Kollel » social pressure

Who’s Jealous of Whom?

aaron — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 04:13:51 +0000

Usually its the poor kollel guy or “person in chinuch” guy who is jealous of the fancy rich guy, with the fancy cars, big house, and the “freedom” to spend thousands of dollars without giving it a second thought.

But on Purim, the reverse is true. Its a lot easier to be a simple poor person who can go collecting by all the rich homes, and sending a simple shalach manos will be just fine, than to have to bear the “burden” of being a rich guy who needs to dish out large sums of money to tzedaka and impress friends with elaborate “themes” just to save face.

Being poor is no picnic all year round. But on Purim, take small comfort in the fact that some rich folks are wishing they were in your shoes – if only for a day.

bookmark this post

(AUDIO) Succos: Leave Your (Fancy) House for a More Realistic Home

aaron — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:04:56 +0000

For seven days, we are to leave our permanent homes and make residence in flimsy little succahs, with no roof over our heads. As the meforshim all explain, the essence of the mitzvah is to remind us how flimsy our very existence is. Our lives are wholly dependent on Hashem’s protection and care. During these seven days, we reflect on how he provided for the needs of the Jews in the desert for 40 years, from food and shelter to clothing and protection. Now, when we are under the illusion that we are self-reliant, we take these 7 days in the flimsy shack to remind ourselves that everything really does come from Him.

Perhaps its time to think about our obsessiveness with fancy homes. Today, its not uncommon to find even “kollel families” living in very expensive homes, especially in Lakewood. The social pressure that we are faced with is surely a large contributer to this phenomenon. However, the negative consequences are getting worse. Most kollel families can barely afford these high mortgage payments. Add to that the growing cost of raising children today, the decline of financial support from parents, and you have a serious crisis which can lead to foreclosure, bankrupcy, and of course, shalom bayis disasters.

Did you know that most million dollar homes are not even owned by millionaires? How is that possible, you ask? Looking around Lakewood, you can answer that question pretty quickly. When a home is mortgaged to the max, the family occupying the home doesn’t “own” their home. Rather, their home owns them.

In this interview, Dr. Tom Stanley describes the finidngs of his study that he did with people who appeared rich and with those who were actually rich. It is a very eye opening interview, and it will change your thinking about money and stuff after you listen to it.

Dr. Tom Stanely Millionaire Interview

bookmark this post

When Your Wife Says No

aaron — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:00:20 +0000

Besides the embarrassment of friends and relatives, many yungerleit looking to leave kollel are held back by opposition from their wife. Most of the time, the wife’s refusal is not motivated by lofty ideals. It is more likely a product of the social pressure that is so much a part of today’s society, similar to the pressure on young frum women to have many babies without pause.

How does one deal with a wife’s reluctance to leave kollel?

First of all, you need to convince yourself that it really is time for you to get out of kollel. This is generally when you feel overwhelming financial stress, lack of fulfillment, no progress in learning, feeling old, and a variety of other signs that it really is time to go. Once you are firmly convinced of this yourself, it will be much easier to convince her.

Now comes the fun part. Communication. Women love to talk about their issues – it helps them feel better just by talking about it. They will appreciate it so much that you are both taking time and including them in this major decision of your life. Even if there is disagreement, the fact that you discuss it with each other will bring you closer to each other. That way you will be able to understand each other better during the process.

Ultimately, a wife needs to be convinced that she must allow her husband to do what brings out the best in him. If he is not feeling good about himself while in kollel that will not be good for the family in the long run. Obviously, everything that we do in life has to be proper, but when there is no right or wrong answer, such as to leave or not to leave, she must allow him to be a success.

Finally, make sure you get guidance from a Rav or a Rebbe. Although you may not actively have a relationship with one, it is critical for the wife to know that her husband got approval for this drastic step he has taken. If there are feelings of guilt now, you can rest assured they will not go away. By getting assurance from a Rav that she has faith in, that will help her accept the fact that where you are heading is not all evil.

bookmark this post