I tutor at night to be able to pay the bills. In shul with my talmid, I see scores of others doing the same. Even highly acclaimed rabbeim are using their time at night to make extra money by tutoring, preparing boys for bar mitzva, or learning with baalei batim for money.

Sometimes, I am jealous of those baalei batim. They learn for free, no one pays them to learn. But I learn because it’s my J-O-B. Does that mean that I am a bad person? Of course not. But it takes away the special feeling of learning Torah out of love for it.

When I am out of yeshiva, it’s hard to get any learning done. Maybe a quick glance in a sefer on the parsha when I’m home over Shabbos, and my wife and kids don’t need me. But generally speaking, most of my learning is done for money, and I don’t enjoy it one bit.

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What is the goal of spending so many years in Kollel?

I am a 29 year old yungerman in Lakewood, having spent 7 years after my chassuna sitting and learning. My wife works like an animal to bring in parnossa, and the rest of our income comes from gifts, some support, and me doing odds and ends jobs here and there.

But this idyllic life is starting to unravel at the seams, as doubts are creeping in, slowly at first, but now they are intensifying like a crashing wave.

What is all this “staying in learning” for anyways?…..

I wish I knew the answer.

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