Lost in Kollel » yom tov

Bein Hazmanim Advice to Kollel Yungeleit

aaron — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:00:01 +0000

Dear Kollel Yungerman,

As a former kollel guy, I know how tough life can be. Money is tight, and you have to live off your parents/in-laws/wife’s generosity to support you while you spend your days and nights learning. Now is bein hazmanim, and you are “busy” getting everything together so you can go for Yom Tov to your parents/in-laws. It is also a time to relax a bit from the very strenuous schedule you have all year, so you kick back a bit and take it easy.

When you visit your parents/in-laws for Yom Tov, just make sure to appear as a masmid. You see, they are spending their hard earned money to support your learning, and it is only fair that you give them a glimpse of what their money is going for. They don’t get a chance to see you up close all year, so here is your chance. If you were working for a boss and the only time he sees you is when you are taking it easy, that wouldn’t make for a good situation. Listen up – you are exactly in that boat right now.

Yes, I know there is a 9:00 shachris minyan especially for bein hazmanim. When you are at family, please make sure you daven earlier. There is no better ammnunition that a father in law has than to exclaim sarcastically to his friends – “I was already at work for an hour when my eidim woke up for shachris!”

A mother-in-law once remarked to me how strange she finds it that her supposed masmid son-in-law who is “learning shtark” in Lakewood all winter will stay at her home for 3 weeks during bein hazmanim and she won’t see him opening a sefer effer.

Go enjoy Yom Tov by the shver, but for goodness sakes try to make a good impression.

Or in the very least, don’t give him more reasons to want to pull the plug for good on kollel support.

A gut Yom Tov,

Kollel Guy

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Overstaying the Yom Tov Welcome

aaron — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 04:03:45 +0000

It may have been a very subtle feeling, but it was most certainly there. That lurking feeling of discomfort as Yom Tov progressed, especially during the last days. That feeling was not there before I was married, it wasn’t even there when I was a newlywed. But now when I piled in with my 5 kids to my (aging) mother’s house for Yom Tov, as I have been doing for the past 8 years, I sensed a feeling that perhaps I am no longer wanted. Not that my mother doesn’t love me, I think she still does, but maybe Yom Tov is getting too hard for her. But coming for Yom Tov is something I look forward to all year. First of all, it saves me so much money when my mother pays for all my living expenses for 2 weeks. Plus, how would I be able to make Yom Tov while working full time? My kids are very active, and my husband says he can’t help much during bein hazmanim – it’s his only time to relax and he works so hard during the zman going to yeshiva for two full sedorim a day! Do you think my mother really doesn’t want me anymore? I look so much forward to her good food and her pampering the kids with attention and treats. It feels so good to wake up on Yom Tov morning at 10:00 and see my mother caring for her grandchildren since they woke up at their usual early time of 6:30. And it is so wonderful to spend time with family – my sister with her 4 kids and my 2 brothers with their whole family. My mother spends weeks preparing for all the company. So why did I sense this unwelcome feeling? Could it be that my mother wants me to stop coming and begin to make my own Yom Tov. What does she think – that I am some kind of a mooch? Isn’t this what parents should do for their children who are being mosser nefesh for learning? My mother loves that my husband is still learning 10 years after we got married – at least I think so. So please help me, and explain why I am feeling that my family is no longer desired?

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Shavuos – What Does Kabbolas HaTorah Really Mean?

aaron — Mon, 17 May 2010 14:00:01 +0000

Back when I learned in Lakewood Yeshiva, I remember how much was said about Shavuos being a “Kabbolas HaTorah,” up to the joyous dancing at the end of Yom Tov that lasts well into the late hours of the night. As a kollel yungerman, I was able to connect with the feeling, being able to spend my days fully engrossed in limud haTorah.

Now that I am out of kollel, it’s more difficult to connect with it. What does Kabbolas HaTorah really mean? Is Shavuos meant for us “working guys”, or is it just for the bnei Torah who don’t do anything else?

The truth is, being out of kollel gives one a unique opportunity at doing an authentic Kabbolas HaTorah, one that just isn’t possible for those in kollel or even those in chinuch.

One of the most famous Medrashim we retell on Shavuos is how Hashem brought the Torah to all the nations of the world, asking them to accept it, which they all refused to do, except for the Jews. We accepted the Torah blindly, without knowing all that it contained, because we accepted Hashem’s total mastery over us, even though no other nation was willing to do so. Thus, true Kabbolas HaTorah means to do so even though no one else is doing so, and even though it is not easy to do so.

Someone whose job it is to learn, whether as a Rebbe or as a kollel yungerman, there is no great need for Kabbolas HaTorah because they are already there. Sure, they need the commitment to continue doing so, and to strengthen their learning while they are doing so, but nevertheless there is no new yoke to accept upon themselves.

On the other hand, those who don’t learn for a living, Kabolas HaTorah takes on a whole new meaning. It means accepting upon oneself to learn while no one else seems to do so. It means making sure the learning that one does is meaningful and lasting – not just sufficing with a poor excuse of Daf Yomi. While the rest of the world (and many of our friends) spend their nights socializing, partying, and just wasting their time, you have a serious seder limud with a chavrusa.

If you are in that situation, every day requires a new Kabbolas HaTorah. It’s all too easy to fall back into the default mode of “not learning” just like so many of your friends. It requires determination, strength, and the complete submission to Hashem’s mastery. Thus, a Kabbolas HaTorah exactly the way it was done back in the year 2448.

So let’s get out the paper and pen, and before Yom Tov arrives write down our personal Kabbolas HaTorah. We are going to commit to a serious seder, and choose our limud wisely. Most importantly, we will have a specific goal in mind. By this coming Simchas Torah, exactly 135 days from now, we will have completed a milestone of some kind – whether it is a messechta, a perek, or a particular topic. On this coming Simchas Torah, when we dance hakafos, we won’t just be rejoicing at our brothers’ simcha, instead the joy will be our own for having captured a true Kabbolas HaTorah.

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Can I Please Help You?

aaron — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:14:22 +0000

Taking down the succah after Yom Tov, I was approached by the newly married son-in-law of the neighbor who was looking for something to do. He kindly asked me, “Can I help you with your succah?” Since I wasn’t expecting his help, and not really being too comfortable with him, I kindly refused his help. I smiled and (lied to) him that my succah is a one-person succah, and I’ll finish it myself.

Truth is, I could’ve really used his help. Why did I refuse it? Yes, I was somewhat uncomfortable to start working with someone I hardly know. But thinking more about it, I realized that had he offered me differently I would’ve easily accepted.

His offer was, “How can I help you?” That means I had to realize that I have a problem that needs to be solved, or a need that requires solving. But I didn’t know that I had a problem or a need, since it was something that I was expecting to take the succah down on my own.

Instead, had he come with his hammer and drill and said, “Let me help you with this beam or tying up the schach,” I would’ve gladly accepted his offer. I would’ve finished the job earlier, easier, and would’ve made a new acquaintance in the process.

When you look for a job or career, keep this in mind. If you approach business with the attitude of “Can I please help you?” you are only going to find takers from those who already know they need help. For every company or business that knows they need help, there are countless others desparately need the help you can give them but don’t even realize it.

“Can I help you please?”

instead

Here’s what you might need…

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The Deck is Stacked Against You

aaron — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 04:19:29 +0000

When entering the business world for the first time, whether starting your own business dream or a new job, its easy to think that the cards are stacked against you in a big way. Competition is fierce, no one gives you the time of day, customers complain, vendors don’t deliver, and everyone else out there seems to have an edge over you.

This is the harsh reality. However, it is readily overcome. Frum Jews, at least those who work, tend to have higher levels of income and wealth than average. On the surface, that seems counterintuitive. Frum people, who are bound by Torah and Mitzvos, are faced with innumerable restrictions. No work on Shabbos or Yom Tov, davening 3 times a day, kvius ittim l’Torah (hopefully). Add to that the kinds of businesses that one is not allowed to engage in, such ascertain food items, shatnez, ribbis, ona’ah, etc. Couple this with the high cost of being a frum Jew, from yeshiva tuition to the high cost of kosher food, from the large families we tend to have to the huge expenses associated with marrying off a child. Don’t forget maaser obligations to our numerous mosdos of Torah and Chessed. There are social obligations such as dinners, parties, summer vacations, and clothing costs. Even though we are encumbered with all these challenges, many of us manage to overcome them, producing vast sums of money in the process.

The cards may be stacked against us, but we have what it takes to break through it all and win. Take for example the famous B & H. They increased their sales through the worst recession in years, as competitors such as Circuit City went bankrupt. (Joel Spolsky wrote a great piece on how they withstood the devastation all around them.) To top it off, they close their store – and their cash generating website – over Shabbos and Yom Tov. At least 1/7th of the week, they are closed – no sales, no orders, nothing. And yet, they are making money like never before.

If they can do it, you can do it. Face the challenge head on. You have what it takes to win.

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