When Your Wife Says No

Besides the embarrassment of friends and relatives, many yungerleit looking to leave kollel are held back by opposition from their wife. Most of the time, the wife’s refusal is not motivated by lofty ideals. It is more likely a product of the social pressure that is so much a part of today’s society, similar to the pressure on young frum women to have many babies without pause.

How does one deal with a wife’s reluctance to leave kollel?

First of all, you need to convince yourself that it really is time for you to get out of kollel. This is generally when you feel overwhelming financial stress, lack of fulfillment, no progress in learning, feeling old, and a variety of other signs that it really is time to go. Once you are firmly convinced of this yourself, it will be much easier to convince her.

Now comes the fun part. Communication. Women love to talk about their issues – it helps them feel better just by talking about it. They will appreciate it so much that you are both taking time and including them in this major decision of your life. Even if there is disagreement, the fact that you discuss it with each other will bring you closer to each other. That way you will be able to understand each other better during the process.

Ultimately, a wife needs to be convinced that she must allow her husband to do what brings out the best in him. If he is not feeling good about himself while in kollel that will not be good for the family in the long run. Obviously, everything that we do in life has to be proper, but when there is no right or wrong answer, such as to leave or not to leave, she must allow him to be a success.

Finally, make sure you get guidance from a Rav or a Rebbe. Although you may not actively have a relationship with one, it is critical for the wife to know that her husband got approval for this drastic step he has taken. If there are feelings of guilt now, you can rest assured they will not go away. By getting assurance from a Rav that she has faith in, that will help her accept the fact that where you are heading is not all evil.

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Filed Under: Escape Kollel

Tags: relatives • social pressure • wife